Game of Thrones – The Children (Season Finale) – Valar Morghulis (Includes Women Too)

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Written By Ryan Fu @fu_beatz

It is bittersweet knowing that it’s the last episode of the season but the writers of Game of Thrones saved the best episode for last. During the preview, it usually shows what happens in previous episodes, giving the audience some context for the show, but watching Ygritte die in the arms of Jon Snow was too much for me again. This is the mark of a good show where writers think of great and lovable characters in which the audience have a vested interest in them, so when one of them dies like “the girl kissed by fire,” it hurts like losing a loved one. With that being said, I had a feeling more people would die in the final episode, I mean hell; the motto of this season was “All Men must Die.” Of course, G.O.T lived to everyone’s expectations and delivered the best episode of the season. I’m going to miss Ygritte but I’m happy that this show is on making other people happy.

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The episode starts naturally with another person who equally misses Ygritte as much as I do, Jon Snow. Jon goes into the wild trying to get a truce with Mance Rayder of the wildings. They respect each other as warrior, toasting to their fallen soldiers and brothers. Before they come to terms, Stannis Baratheon comes to the rescue to Jon, killing the wildings and capturing Mance. Back at Black Castle they say their goodbyes to their fallen brothers and Jon Snow finally brakes down, shedding tears for his first love Ygritte as he burns her body.

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I thought it sucked watching her die again in the previews, but watching her again about to get burned, sucked even more. But it looked like she was finally at peace and I was glad that she died in the wild as a free woman.

Ygritte’s favorite phrase to Jon was that he knew nothing, but I believe that Snow finally knew what she was talking about, in which she was talking about her love for him.

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Jon’s brother, Bran Stark also finds the answers to his questions as the group finds the Ticket Oak Tree but they get ambushed by the skeletons from the Army of Darkness. The “Fireball Kid saves them” but not everyone survives as Love Actually dies. Bran gets to meet the Tree Eyed Raven but it is a man intertwined in the tree roots. Bran finally learns that we won’t be walking but he would be flying in the future, which leads to believe he is going to control one of Daenerys’ dragons.

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Daenerys Targaryen, the Mother of Dragons, has to deal with the fallout of the choices she made but conquering the slave city Meereen which a few of the slaves want to become slaves again because it is too hard to be free people. Daenerys let the people become slaves again but she also must make a choice to enslave her own people or children. She gets the news that one of her dragons killed a little dragon and she makes the choice to lock up her dragons sorta like slaves like the former Masters of Meereen. It kills her to make this choice but she wants to protect the people but I feel like she sealed her fate because I think dragons don’t forget who put them in chains. Once again it’s easier to follow but it’s harder to lead, your choices will lead to your salvation or your death.

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Arya Stark also has to make a choice either to follow or lead in which I think the producers or writers heard my aching for the duo of Arya and the Hound meeting up with Brienne and Podrick. When Arya meets Brienne it was looking at a mirror or the future as the two have a moment where they can see each other’s strength as women. This moment is short lived as Brienne notices that Arya is a Stark and wants her to come with her because she wants to protect her. The Hound does not approve of it because he believes Arya is not safe anywhere except with him as he shouts to Brienne,

“There is no where safe. You dumb bitch!”

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It was on like Donkey Kong as they battle each other and OMG it was like watching, a UFC championship match. Each one gets their licks but Brienne of Tarth is the last woman standing as she throws the Hound over the ropes in the Battle Royal. Arya makes a choice not to follow Brienne but to stay with the Hound. The Hound wants her to kill him saying to her,

You remember where the heart is?” 

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I seriously thought this was the last time seeing the Hound talking shit but Arya decides not kill him maybe because she wanted to show him mercy or watching him suffer was much more pleasurable to her then killing him. In any case she walks away from the Hound, as we do not see if the Hound dies or not. I really hope he lives so Arya can kill him properly and get him off the list. She decides to follow her heart and continues her adventure to find how to kill all the people who made her suffer.

Cersei Lannister also decides to follow her heart as she tells her father, Tywin Lannister that she will not marry again and drops the bomb on him, telling him that she slept with her own brother, Jaime, telling her father,

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“Your legacy is a lie.”

Cersei runs into the arms of Jaime telling him that she told their father everything, in which she chooses him and loves him. It wouldn’t been the season finale without a bit of incest. Jaime after hearing the news now knows he also must make a choice for his family. He decides to free his brother, Tyrion from the dungeons. Tyrion was about to get out of King’s Landing but he had some unfinished business he had to finish.

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Tyrion walks into his father’s chambers to confront his father, only to find the woman, who he betrayed him and the only woman he actually loved, Shae. Tyrion loses his shit and strangles her with her own jewelry. Once again you can’t make a Hoe into a housewife.

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Tyrion not finished yet grabs Joffrey’s crossbow finding his father in the loo. Tyrion tells his father that she killed Shae and that he loved her. Tywin hearing the news, acted like everything is still cool telling his son that she was a whore. Tyrion tells his father to never call her that again which if I was in Tywin I would do everything and saying anything to get out of that predicament because I believe that is the saddest way to die as a man on the toilet. But universe always corrects itself and finds a balance, as the Hand of King does not take my advice and calls Tyrion’s love a whore once again. Tywin fittingly dies by the son who he always wanted to kill on top of a throne that he deserves.

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Simply another great season of Game of Thrones, which I am sad about by all the great characters that died this season including Joffrey, I kinda miss him. (You gotta admit he was entertaining even though he was a little shit) But this is a mark of a good show and great writing, in which you must be willing to kill of favorite characters for the good of the story. There is one wonder why this show gets so many awards because they deserve it. It’s going to be a warm summer in which it’s going to be another 10 months before the winter comes again but enjoy our previous articles of Game of Thrones and relive the magic again. Thank you so much for reading our articles and always remember,

“All Men must Die.

Live your life to the fullest.

Please check out our other G.O.T Articles

Two Swords (My Little Pony)

The Lion & The Rose (Ding Dong the Evil King is Dead)

Breaker of Chains (I do it for the Nookie)

Oathkeeper (King of the white Walkers)

First in his Name (Arya’s Death Pool)

THE LAWS OF GODS AND MEN (DON’T PUSH ME)

Mockingbird (I want a Moon Door!!!) 

The Mountain and The Viper (Trash talking gets you Killed)

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Game of Thrones- The Mountain and The Viper (Trash talking gets you killed)

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Written By Ryan Fu @fu_beatz

First off, I think this is the best season of Game of Thrones by far with the great story lines and the amount of important people dying in each episode. I like a show that is not afraid to kill off important or popular characters because it’s much more important to the success of the whole story. We all know that in some shows when a character gets to popular with the public, the producers are afraid to kill them off because they might get a backlash from it’s fans. Not G.O.T., they don’t give a fuck! It’s all about precision and timing for this well-oiled machine, removing and replacing characters whenever they want in order to achieve a great show. Personally, I fucking love that idea and I wish more shows had the balls to do that more often because it’s all about the bigger picture. If you wanted to see show with no heart or brains, you could have just turned on the Trash-Dashians.

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Before I get to the showdown against the Mountain and the Red Viper, let’s discuss the rest of the episode. The episode begins with the beautiful Ygritte returning to the show, killing a bunch of people, as the Wildings get closer to Castle Black and Jon Snow of course. I cannot wait for these two get back together but I got a real fucked up feeling that this is not going to go down that I want in my head. It’s not going to be a romantic scene like in Cruel Intentions where Reese Witherspoon is riding up the escalator and sees Ryan Phillippe waiting on top of the for passionate embrace. I believe this is going to be a little bloodier.

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Daenerys Targaryen with her assistant discuss if Earthworm Jim pees standing up or not. But Khaleesi’s real concern if she can trust her own council as she gets news that Lord Jorah had betrayed her trust. She banishes him from Meereen and orders him to never come back. Lord Jorah is a man without a country like poor Theon Greyjoy aka Reek. In the episode we see Reek do his master’s bidding as they recapture a piece of the North for that Asshole Roose Bolton. Lord Bolton awards his bastard son with a new title and name, Ramsay Bolton. In the beginning of the season, I thought Theon or whatever you call him now was in such a horrible position but now to think about it, I think this is where Theon should be all along. I mean, he doesn’t have to think, which he just follows orders and never has to make a decision. Every decision he ever made was a mistake, so this way, this new life seems a much better fit for Theon or should I just say Reek from now on.

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Lord Baelish aka Littlefinger gets questioned for the death of Lady Arryn, in which Littlefinger tells the council that she was bat shit crazy and she committed suicide. But the council knows that is only half true and needs the help of Sansa Stark to know the real truth. Sansa comes to the rescue to Lord Baelish and gets his back as she starts to play the game.

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“Lord Baelish has told many lies but he was my only friend and he rescued me.”

I feel there might be a “New Cute Couple Alert” coming from me in the future with this two.

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As one Stark sister gets more comfortable in the role of a highborn, Arya Stark is getting used to the feeling of rejecting. As the dynamic killing duo of the Hound and Arya arrive at the Eyrie expecting to see the Lady of the Vale and end this long journey of theirs, in which they find out that she killed herself three days ago. The Hound puts on his FML face while Arya starts laughing uncontrollable. I really want this duo to meet with the other kick ass duo of Brienne of Tarth and Podrick. I would love to see that tag team death match.

Finally, we see the Lannister brothers get philosophical as Tyrion’s death looms in his mind; they talk about the meaning of life. But of course we never get those answers until we finally see the end of our own lives. Which Prince Oberyn is confident that he will never see his death, which he tells Tyrion he doesn’t need armor or be sober to fight getting ready to fight the heavily armored Gregor Clegane aka The Mountain as he says to Tyrion,

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“Size does not matter when you are flat on your back.” Tyrion responds, “Thank Gods.”

Can you imagine if the UFC was this way? I mean not with weapons because it would be even shorter bouts. I’m talking about if we gave the opportunity for the fighters to drink before the matches. I mean that might have done that back in the old days of the UFC with Tank Abbott but imagine if the fighters had the option to get hammered before they actual hammer someone. It might not turn out to be a good fight, although it would be interesting, but I digress.

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Let’s continue with his championship battle to the death with a regular size man against a Mountain size man for the fate of a half man. Surprisingly, Prince Oberyn is beating the shit of the Mountain with his speed and skills. The whole time he kept talking shit to the Mountain wanting to know who killed his family member. It reminded of the scene in the Princess Bride with Inigo Montoya.

“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya…”

The Red Viper is seconds away from killing Clegane when he starts to celebrate too early before he gets into the end zone, which you can see I real, real miss football but I digress. The Mountain seizes his chance, tripping Oberyn to the ground, getting on top of him and kills him Three Stooges style, poking both eyes out. As the Mountain finally gets all the candy from the Red Viper Pinata, he himself dies maybe out of joy but regardless the fate of Tyrion Lannister is sealed as Tywin Lannister tells the kingdom that Tyrion is sentenced to death. You can see Cersei having mini orgasms hearing the verdict while Tyrion had that FML look on his face.


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Once again another great episode but I am sadden to know that there are only two episodes left this season but I’m kinda afraid what’s going to happen next because there are not many characters left on the show. I have not had the opportunity to read the books, so I am just a regular fan just like you, waiting to see what’s going to happen next in the Seven Kingdoms. Please free to check out our other reviews in which most of them I was quite drunk when I wrote them.

Please check out our other G.O.T Articles

Two Swords (My Little Pony)

The Lion & The Rose (Ding Dong the Evil King is Dead)

Breaker of Chains (I do it for the Nookie)

Oathkeeper (King of the white Walkers)

First in his Name (Arya’s Death Pool)

THE LAWS OF GODS AND MEN (DON’T PUSH ME)

Mockingbird (I want a Moon Door!!!) 

 

Game of Thrones- Mockingbird (I want a Moon Door!!!)

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Written by Ryan Fu @fu_beatz

Petyr Baelish aka Littlefinger is played wonderfully by Aidan Gillen of Game of Thrones. I have said this in past articles that Littlefinger is one of my favorite characters on the show. I can see so much of myself in Littlefinger’s character; for example, we are both trying to climb the ladder of success and are willing to do what it takes to accomplish our goals. We both believe in protecting our friends and family in which Petyr takes this to heart in this episode as we see the Pros and Cons of owning a “Moon Door.” Don’t get me wrong I think a Moon Door is cool. You can do a million things with it like throwing your trash away in a moments notice or just taking a piss whenever you feel like it. But eventually, you would fall to your doom by accident or by a guy, who you thought loved you but really only loved your sister.

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This week episode starts with Tyrion’s situation as he has tries to find his champion after calling for a Trial by Combat, which by the way I think we should bring back in our legal system. I think I could have avoided a couple of speed tickets if I could have only jousted a couple of traffic officers. Jaime Lannister tells his brother he can’t defend him because he has a right hand sword. (Please re-read or watch past shows because there is joke in there) So, Tyrion tells his brother to find Bronn his Sellssword.

To be perfectly honest I think I would have been a Sellsword in this universe because I like combat and fast cash but I also think I could have been a male whore…because I like combat and fast cash. (If you’re not laughing yet, you need to drink up because the rest of this review is shit.)

So, Bronn shows up not to aid Tyrion but to tell him that he is going to get married so he can’t fight for him anymore. Unless, Tyrion can find him a better deal in which he can’t because let’s face it the Seven Kingdoms had a worse health insurance coverage then we do now. (Thanks Obama) So, Bronn tells Tyrion that he’s sorry but he had a great time killing and getting drunk with him.

“When have you ever risked your life for me? I like you but I like myself more.”   Tyrion responds, “I have to kill the Mountain myself.”

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Holy Fuck this guy is huge! He is literally a mountain.

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Sir Gregor Clegane will be the one fighting in the Trail by Combat with Tyrion with the help of Cersei. Seeing this “Mountain of Men” easily disembowel regular size men made me feel horrible for Tyrion but finally a Prince comes to the rescue to Tyrion. Prince Oberyn, The Red Viper, tells Tyrion he wants justice and vengeance for Tyrion and himself. He tells Tyrion that he will be his Champion in the Trail on Combat and take his revenge on Sir Gregor. I can’t wait for this bloody battle to begin, hoping it’s like Medieval Times Theater, a combination of dinner and death!

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A couple more Titty-bits about the episode before we get to LittleFinger’s “I believe I can Fly” video montage. The Hound and Arya get to really know one and another as they sorta kinda help a dying man get dead then get attacked by other men who don’t believe in bathing. The Hound shows Arya where a Man’s heart is so she can kill him faster. I always thought a Man’s heart was through his stomach, slowing killing with high blood pressure. (Seriously, it doesn’t get better after this)

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Jon Snow is still crying a little baby to the masters of Castle Black about the upcoming attack from the wildings. Let’s face who would take advice from a bastard. Is it just me or am I not the only one that wants to see a reunion with Snow and the beautiful Ygritte. I feel like it’s doing to be scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer where, Buffy wants to fall in love with Angel but they can’t because she has to kill him. (Shut up! You watched the show)

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Daenerys Targaryen gets a brand new sex man-slave in Daario but she still doesn’t trust him will all the goodies but just enough of the nookie. The ultimate tag team of Brienne and Podrick are starting to get somewhere in the search for the Stark girls as they get a clue from the smaller version of Bob’s Big Boy as they continue their adventure.

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I just might be a sick bastard but don’t these two make a cute couple? Let’s face Podrick is not good with steel but he is a master with his sword and I think he slay the Lady of Tarth, a slice of humble pie with his sword play. (Of course, I’m talking about his penis; seriously it doesn’t get any better from here)

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Finally, we get to the best part of the episode where we see Sansa Stark trying to recreate Winterfell but once again gets crushed by reality. As I was beginning to think we would never see incest again, George R.R. Martin comes to the rescue as creepy “Uncle Petyr” kisses Sansa in front of the Lysa Arryn. Aunt Lysa gets all Real Housewives of Atlanta on Sansa, threatening to throw her of the Moon Door but Uncle Creepy comes to her rescue in which he grabs his own wife, Lysa telling her everything is going to be all right but also telling her that he only loved one person, which was her sister.

I was like Damn Gina!

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He then throws her off her own goddamn Moon Door. I think this is good time to use the word Irony. Littlefinger is the man but a little crazy but then again Sansa is kinda hot so maybe I would have thrown my own wife thru a Moon Door for a hotter piece of ass. Moral of the story Moon Doors are cool but they need a safety net like pools for babies or jealous wives because God knows I would throw all my crazy shit into the abyss. It’s Memorial Weekend next week, so G.O.T. won’t be back until two weeks from now but you can always revisit the episodes by re-reading our articles in this season of Game of Thrones and we promise you it won’t give you high blood pressure, maybe cancer though…

Please check out our other G.O.T Articles

Two Swords (My Little Pony)

The Lion & The Rose (Ding Dong the Evil King is Dead)

Breaker of Chains (I do it for the Nookie)

Oathkeeper (King of the white Walkers)

First in his Name (Arya’s Death Pool)

THE LAWS OF GODS AND MEN (DON’T PUSH ME)

 

Game of Thrones – The Laws of Gods and Men (Don’t Push Me)

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Written by Ryan Fu @fu_beatz

Peter Hayden Dinklage is an American actor. Since his breakout role in The Station Agent (2003), he has appeared in films such as Elf (2003), Find Me Guilty (2006), Underdog (2007), the British film Death at a Funeral (2007) and its American remake of the same name (2010), The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008), A Little Bit of Heaven (2011), Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012), and Knights of Badassdom (2013). Since 2011, he has played Tyrion Lannister in the HBO series Game of Thrones, which earned him the Emmy and the Golden Globe Award for Supporting Actor in 2011. Peter is such a fine actor and in this week’s episode he once again shows us why he should get another nomination because he killed it in this episode.

Please check out our other G.O.T Articles

Two Swords (My Little Pony)

The Lion & The Rose (Ding Dong the Evil King is Dead)

Breaker of Chains (I do it for the Nookie)

 

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But before we get to Tyrion’s most epic speech, we should talk about what else happened in the episode. Stannis and Davos go to the Iron Bank of Braavos is a bank in the Free City of Braavos get funding for Stannis army. Naturally, the Iron Bank respectively declines Stannis request because the numbers don’t add up. I thought it was funny that back in the day they still ran your credit. So, his main man Davos had to stick up for the rightful king of the throne and demand that the Iron Bank help Stannis, which they do but I’m just wondering what the interest rate would be to take over a kingdom?

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Theon Greyjoy. Poor, poor Theon. I know I’ve said this in the past but can someone just put him out of his misery. Every episode I watch with a scene of Theon, I think this can’t get any worse, but it does. His bold sister, Yara, in which I might have a crush on only because she seems to be the only Ironborn female in the country (I like them rugged) has the courage to free her brother. But when she gets there, she does not find her brother but a thing that used to be her brother as she leaves without her brother saying to her troops that her brother is dead. Ramsay Snow is so pleased with his pet Theon aka Reek, he gives him a bath and I finds out how much he loves his master by devising a plan to go to Castle Black.

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Speaking of masters, Daenerys Targaryen is looking quite confident in her new role of the Queen of the free slaves. She has shown her mean streak but now she is showing her softer side but giving mercy and comfort to her people. I wonder how long this nicer version of the “Mother of Dragons” is going to last because these dragons are getting bigger!

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Now we can get down to the nitty–gritty of this week’s episode, which was the trial of Tyrion Lannister. His brother Jaime aka the Kingslayer brings him to the hall where oddly enough someone in the audience screams out,

“Kingslayer” not to Jaime but to Tyrion. I thought that was a dramatic role reversal.

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They council brings up witness after witness showing evidence that Tyrion Lannister is guilty of killing Joffrey. They take a short break which Jaime makes this his opportunity to try to save his brother in which he does momentarily as Tywin Lannister offers him to save his brother if he quits the Kingsguard and becomes next in line to the throne. Jaime agrees and tells his brother to just comply and fess up to his false crimes.

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It seemed like for a second that Tyrion was about to take his advice but they finally pushed a motherfucker to the edge. As the council brought out his one true love, Shae, which she dropped the bomb on him and the court, telling the council that it was the plan of Tyrion along with his wife to poison the king.

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As Grandmaster Flash would say,

“Don’t push me because I’m close to the edge. I’m trying not to lose my head.”

That was the last country-ass straw that broke that Humpday Camel’s back! Tyrion loses his shit!

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“I wish to confess. I confess. I saved you, all of you. I saved this city. All of your worthless minds. I should have let Stannis kill all of you.

I confess that I am guilty of being a dwarf but I am not guilty of killing the king.

I will let the Gods judge my fate… I want a trial by combat. “

Boom!

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You might as well hand out that Golden Globe and the rest of the awards to Peter because he fucking “Kingslayed” that scene and other every scene this season. This is just other reason why Game of Thrones is one of the best shows on television because of all the great story lines and the great actors/actresses who play these awesome characters making this show a must watch every Sunday night. I’m just a fan like you but I have not read the books so I don’t know what’s going to happen next but I eagerly wait what’s going to happen next in the Seven Kingdoms.

Game of Thrones “OathKeeper”- King of the White Walkers!!!

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Written by: Ryan Fu @fu_beatz

G.O.T is soooo good because it has so many great story lines that sometimes you forget a couple of the stories. I mean this show has hot chicks, fighting, sword-play, midgets and even dragons. I totally forgot about the frozen zombies aka the white walkers. This show is totally about the bigger picture, even with everyone’s goals or problems, there is always going to be something bigger than their own stories. It just gives the show a bigger scale and environment, which I like. I do feel like everyone’s path is about to cross and it’s going to be glorious. They say, “Winter is Coming,” but I think it is already here and it’s going to take all the kingdoms to come together to defeat this undead army.

Please read our other G.O.T articles:

Two Swords (My Little Pony)

The Lion & The Rose (Ding Dong the Evil King is Dead)

Breaker of Chains (I do it for the Nookie)

 

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In the episode opens up with Daenerys Targaryen sending her unsullied, Grey Worm into Meereen to convince the slaves to rise up in order to be free and kill their masters. Like every other city that the Mother of Dragons visited, she easily defeats them and frees the people. She kills the masters and frees the people of Meereen. She also decides to crucify the rest of the leaders in front of the city of Meereen. Daenerys is starting to look and act like a leader having to make decisive decisions for her people.

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“I will answer justice with justice.”

Meanwhile, Littlefinger is still with Sansa Stark on his boat ,which she thinks that he killed Joffrey. Littlefinger explains that he could have killed but it could have been more people involved with the king’s death. Littlefinger is one of my favorite characters on the show because I can relate to him as a guy that comes from nothing, who is trying to do whatever he has to do to make it on top of the mountain or in this case, to sit at the throne.

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“So many men risk so little to gain little. I’ll risk everything to get what I want, which is everything…”

But we do find out who killed Joffrey but the episode was sooo good, I’m not going to spoil it but I will tell you it is better to be the king then not.

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Jaime Lannister is still trying to figure out how to jerk off with his left hand as he finally talks to his brother and realizes that he didn’t kill the king. Jaime tries to explain it to Cersei, but Cersei doesn’t want to hear that shit and wants the Kingslayer to find Sansa Stark and kill her. So, Jaime tasks this job to Brienne and gives her gifts for her trip. He gives her a sword, armor and Podrick. Yay!

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I thought I was never going to see Pod again. I think this is going to be a comical but great duo with Brienne and Pod. I really hope something sexual goes one with this two with Brienne of Tarth and Podrick, the pussy slayer.

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Further up north, Jon Snow is preparing everyone at Castle Black for the wildings. He is tasked to go to Craster’s Keep to help and defend it from the wildings. At Craster’s Keep, we see Bran Stark with his homies get captured with his dogs. We also see Hodor get mercilessly get flogged by the former men of the Night’s Watch. It was just so sad to see the gentle giant get beat down like that as he screamed, “Hodor…Hodor.” I be honest if he kept saying that over and over again I would have joined in the beat down.

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Photo Credit: AV Club

(Just kidding, take it easy! You guys are cool with incest but not cool watching a DJ get beat down)

This leads to the best part of the episode the White Walkers!!! When General Custer walked into the frame with Mr. Ed and Stewie, I was like, “oh, yeah?!!” (Stoner moment)

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The walker carries the baby into an icy ritual site and leaves the baby on the sacrifice table. What looked like the King of the White Walkers, it picked up Stewie and turns him into a White Walker. Winter is Coming, I say, “fuck that, it is already here.” Everyone should get prepared because it’s about to turn into the Walking Dead in this bitch!

Once again, I have not read the books and I don’t know what’s going to happen in future episodes, I am just a fan like you, watching and waiting for who will take the throne. Personally, I sorta want Hodor to the be last DJ standing. Also, if you were wondering, I wrote this while I was totally inebriated. I do it for the fans!

Games of Thrones: Breaker of Chains (I do it for the Nookie!)

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Written By: Ryan Fu @fu_beatz

First off, I have to tell you that I am writing this article sober so the bullshit might not be up to standard to what you are used to but I’m pretty sure you’ll feel disappointed and won’t learn nothin from it after reading it. This week’s episode is called Breaker of Chains, which is the perfect title because everyone in this episode is breaking away from their masters expect for Cersei she kinda gets rapped a bit. But before I get to the incest, I just want to say I will miss King Joffrey, the little prick. He deserved to die and probably should have died horribly the way he did by poison. But kings fall all the time and new kings have to rise. Long live the new king, King Tommen Baratheon.

Please read our other G.O.T articles:

Two Swords (My Little Pony)

The Lion & The Rose (Ding Dong the Evil King is Dead)

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The episode opens up with the former King’s Fool leading Sansa Stark away from Kings Landing into the hands of Littlefinger. Petyr Baelish tells her that she is safe and that it was all his idea. A natural businessman and a gangsta, he kills the Fool immediately, killing all ties with him. He tells Sansa that everyone in the kingdom are a bunch of liars and she should trust him. I am not sure that Sansa should trust, an owner of a whorehouse. Don’t get me wrong, Littlefinger is one of my favorite characters on the show but I would never turn my back on him. If the man’s motto is life is only a ladder that you climb, he is willing to step over anyone to get to the top.

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Everyone in the kingdom is dealing with the king’s death which Cersei Lannister with her other son, Tommen Baratheon, is at the side of the fallen king. Tywin Lannister shows no sympathy for his fallen king and sees an opportunity to groom the new king. I got to hand it to “the Hand of the King”, he takes his job seriously. Tywin is willing to do anything to make sure that his family stays on top. He even offers an alliance with Prince Oberyn in order for more men at his side because Tywin knows that there more people than ever that want the crown and he knows that there are going to be many more battles ahead.

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Meanwhile, Cersei still morns for her once king and son. Jaime Lannister tries to comfort her but all he wants is the “nookie.” Cersei tells Jaime to kill Tyrion, his own brother. But Jaime is not listening because all he is thinking about is her lovely lady lumps. Jaime takes her and forces himself on to her in front of their fallen king and dead family member. In the beginning, I would have been shocked to see someone get raped in front of a dead family member but it has gotten to a point in G.O.T., you really have to shock the shit out of me to get a reaction. Don’t get me wrong the rape scene was still fucked up, but you gotta give more Mr. Martin!

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While the incest is going on, Podrick visits his master Tyrion Lannister in the dungeons. Podrick tells him that there is going to be a trial and that Sansa can’t be found. Pod also tells him that someone offered him to take sides against Tyrion, but he turned it down. Tyrion knows that Podrick could be in danger if he doesn’t help in the trial so he pulls another Beethoven and treats Pod like he treated Shae, telling him to leave him and the kingdom immediately. I certainly hope it wasn’t that last time we see Pod and Tyrion again because I thought they made a good Batman and Robin.

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There was other shit going on in the episode like Stannis Baratheon knows that the king is dead and wants to take the throne. Davos got a brain fart and might have an idea on how to achieve that for Stannis. The Hound and Arya Stark play father and daughter in order to get food and shelter. The Hound gets an offer to help a farmer, which he accepts then turns around and steals all the farmer’s money. Arya is pissed why he did it but the Hound just gives her valuable life lessons.

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You have to be strong in this universe or you be pushed aside and be forgotten. The wildings are getting closer and closer to Black Gate and we get closer and closer to see the lovers reunited once again. But the wildings are not the only bunch knocking on someone’s door.

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The very hot and sexy, Mother of the Dragons, Daenerys Targaryen finally makes it to the city of slaves, Meereen. But once there, the people of Meereen mock her and even send out their finest warrior to challenge her. But like the rest of the cities she sacked and turned, she destroys all challengers. She gives another Gladiator speech to the slaves of Meereen to break away their chains and kill their master. Frankly, I would do that if I saw three dragons and an army at the door, plus I would be free protected by a hot blonde. Daenerys played by the beautiful Emilia Clarke, it is no wonder that people are willing to do anything for her and follow her to the ends of the world. I would give my left toe for one night for the Mother of Dragons. I would do it all for the Nookie!

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So, this was my sober review of G.O.T., I hoped to like it. (I really don’t care if you liked or not) Hopefully, next review I should be nice and drunk, but today was 420 and got too high to remember to get drunk. Oh well, at least that little bastard Joffrey is in Hell!!! Long live whatever that other little bastard’s name is!!!

Game of Thrones (The Lion & The Rose) – Ding Dong the Evil King is Dead

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WRITTEN BY: RYAN FU @FU_BEATZ

First off, let me say that I know a lot of people don’t like Joffrey Baratheon because he is an evil little prick that tortures women to death and annoys the shit out of everybody but I liked him. I mean seriously, if you are a young man like he was that was recently named King of the Realm wouldn’t you want to do whatever you wanted to do. I am not saying that I would slaughter a bunch of women but I would rock out with my cock out. (Please use that phrase) I would have a ball because it seems to me in this universe that Kings or men with power don’t live long at all. So, why not wild out and live like it was 1799. That being said, Joffrey was probably the biggest asshole on the show besides that back-stabbing Roose Bolton. I know that he had to die but I will miss that sociopathic little prick.

Please check out our last Game of Thrones Article:

Two Swords (My Little Pony)

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In the opening of the episode we see a hunting party with Roose Bolton’s bastard son and poor Theon Greyjoy. Theon has become a total bitch and had his changed his name to Reek. Lord Bolton visits his bastard to see Theon, which he realizes that Greyjoy is not himself anymore. Bolton’s bastard son, tells his father that Theon is his obedient dog and even shows it off by letting Theon shave him, telling Theon that Robb Stark is dead and Theon does nothing.

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Bolton’s son wants to prove himself to his father and gets ordered to find the other Stark brothers at Black Castle with the help of Theon. I feel so bad for Theon, it’s like he can’t do nothing right. He tries to do the right thing but it just backfires on him. I just hope he dies a quick death because he has suffered too much already. Granted, what is dead may never die, but a man without his dick is not a man. It’s just Rosie O’Donnell.

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Speaking of beast, we see Bran Stark going Beast mode doing his Wog thing becoming his dire wolf. His other Wog buddy tells him that he shouldn’t be part of the beasts mind too long because there might be a chance that he would just become the beast he controls forever.

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Bran finds the Ticket Oak Tree to find out where they need to go. I am really hoping this story line ends up with him becoming one of the dragons then of storms to the Dwarf Kingdom, stealing all their gold and the Arkenstone. Oh, wait…

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A couple of story nuggets before we get to the glorious Royal Wedding and Feast; one, Stannis Baratheon is sulking like a little bitch and the Red Witch is still smoking hot. Tyrion and Jaime Lannister have lunch together, which Jaime reveals to Jaime that he can’t fight anymore because he jerks off with his right hand. So, Tyrion helps the King Slayer by having his sellsword to help out Jaime in his fighting. Tyrion breaks Shae’s heart because he fears that his family will do something dangerous to her and treats her like Beethoven. He demands her to live because he doesn’t love her and he is already married. A little unknown fact of Shae, played by the lovely Sibel Kekilli, she was a real porn star before she landed the gig for Game of Thrones. (And you thought you weren’t going to learn nothing from this article)

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Now before you degenerates go to Google to try to find out where you can see this (Go to YouPorn) please read all about the Red Wedding. King Joffrey and Margaery Tyrell finally get married and have a feast. At the feast there are many entertainers like the King’s Fool, an indie rock band and a midget show. The little person show showed all the fall kings and heroes of the Seven Kingdoms.

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Joffrey is having a fucking ball and why shouldn’t he?!! His enemies are dead, he got a brand new sword, he has a bad ass bitch at his side now, things are good but they can always be better as he humiliates his own Uncle, Tyrion in front of the Kingdom by pouring wine all over him like it was a Dr. Dre video.

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Joffrey goes further, telling Tyrion that he is the new “cup-bearer” before Tyrion gets a chance to go ape shit, the wedding cake shows up.

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Joffrey uses his brand new Valyrian sword to cut the take and takes a bite out of it. He tells Tyrion he is thirsty and brings him a drink. As soon as starts drinking, he begins to choke and falls on the ground. Cersei and Jaime try to help the king but it’s already to late the poison has done it’s job. I really hope it wasn’t a nut allergy that he died from because that is a sad, sad way to die. Fucking peanut butter?

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In one final act Joffrey points to his uncle and Cersei loses her shit, which I want to point the while the king was dying I was checking out the queen’s breast the whole time. Hey fuck you, don’t judge me! Life and death, breast and nut allergies go hand in hand. (If you missed the joke then drink some more then re-read this part)

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Cersei wants Tyrion to be locked up with the scene ending with the queen looking at her fallen son. I always thought Joffrey was a bit misunderstood by people. I mean he was a kid, you want him to be young and reckless. You know you would have done a couple of things he would have done, except killing a few whores. We will miss the former King of the Iron Throne. RIP Joffrey Baratheon, we all hope that your torturing a bunch of people in Hell you little prick…

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Once again I am super glad the Game of Thrones is back on television. I have not read the books so I don’t know what is about to happen in future episodes and almost all of the reviews I shall be totally drunk. Please share and talk shit if you want to because I won’t remember any of this except for the midget show, that shit was fucked up…

Games of Thrones- Season Premiere(Two Swords) “My Little Pony”

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WRITTEN BY: RYAN FU @FU_BEATZ

Let me say this first before I continue on with the review of the episode, “Thank the Gods that this show is back on TV,” since the season ending of The Walking Dead and True Detective is done for the season, I was about to actually pick up a book. HBO totally knows what they are doing, spacing great shows back to back, so we get the best shows possible. I think they even plan it out so you have to watch Girls and see Lena Dunham naked a bunch of times, which makes you appreciate hot fucking girls on G.O.T. take off their clothes. I am sad that some of the Starks aren’t coming back this season but we will never forget them and so will the Northerners. The North will never forget and what is dead will never die.

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The episode opens up with Tywin Lannister forging a new sword from the fallen Young Wolf for his son, Jaime Lannister. We see Jaime back in the Kings Guard armor but the Hand of King does not want Jaime to be of the Kings Guard. Tywin wants his son to be more than a personal bodyguard. But Jaime wants to regain some of his lost honor back and remains in the Guard.

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This is not the same confident Lannister we have seen in the last couple of seasons. He is far different from his former self, which we can see as he gets accustomed to a new hand. His former love Cersei feels the difference between them and gives him the cold shoulder.

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Which I thought, what a horrible bitch! He had to deal with a bunch of shit to get back to Kings Landing including getting his hand getting cut off. At least give him a hand job! (Horrible joke I know, I couldn’t resist.)

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Then we see Jaime dealing with Joffrey, making plans to protect him but Joffrey the little shit makes fun of his own Uncle. As Joffrey looks at a book with all the accomplishments of the Kings Guard and he only see a little bit for Jaime and this destroys him inside. I really hope Jaime kills Joffrey with his good hand.

We see a new character Oberyn Martell, who gets invited to Kings Landing by Joffrey to create a new alliance. I really like Prince Oberyn because he doesn’t care for any Lannisters as he gets annoyed at a brothel when two men sing the Lannister song and attacks one of them. Tyrion saves the men from being slaughtered by the Prince and talk business. Oberyn tells Tyrion why he hates the Lannisters and why he should not be trifle with.

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Prince Oberyn is not the only thing he is has to deal with in Kings Landing. He has to deal with his new wife, Sansa Stark not eating because she is still morning the death of he family.

I still think Tyrion is the best character on the show as he tries to comfort Sansa telling her that he liked his brother and respected her mother, even though she tired to execute him. Hilarious.

What is not hilarious is that Tyrion can’t get any nookie from his hot girlfriend Shae because it is a dangerous time in the Kingdom and Tyrion does not want Shae to be in danger but the walls in the kingdom have too many eyes and ears for any truths to get by.

Daenerys on the other hand, looks like she is in control of her own destiny until she tries to stop a fight between her dragons. Jorah tells the Queen,

“Dragons can be never tamed even by their mother.”

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Fore sighting, maybe. But those fucking dragons are getting bigger!

Mhysa is heading to the mother of all slave cities as her troops get to see in every mile marker, a slave girl being crucified. I got a feeling the Queen of Dragons is not going to be happy when she gets to the city.

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Mean time we see Ygritte, a woman scorned, preparing her bows for Jon Snow’s heart as the wildings prepare to attack Castle Black. At the same time, Jon is on trial for and admits that he broke his vows but also tells them that the wildings are planning to attack them.

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I love this couple and I really hope they get back together.

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Just kidding!!! I want them to fight it out and then have hot sex on the battlefield! (You want to see it)

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Personally, the best part of the show is Arya Stark and The Hound in the forest trying to figure out their next move. Arya wants to know why The Hound just lets her go but The Hound knows that Arya is still valuable to him. Arya is still angry that her family got murdered and demands her own horse. It seems to me when Arya wants something, she usually gets want she wants or people die. Which we see in the following scene we the dynamic duo enters a tavern with the Kings men. Arya notices that one of the men killed one of her friends. One of the men also notices The Hound and approaches him with ale to show him respect. The man wants to know why The Hound is here and The Hound wants the man to get him more ale and chickens.

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The Hound is another character in which when he demands something, he usually gets it or people die. He do not get is ale or chicken, so you imagine what happened next. The Hound beats everyone down and we see Arya standing over one of the men who killed her friend with her own sword. She tells him verbatim what he told his friend before killing him. She calmly thrusts her own sword into the man. She finally looked happy for once and she finally got her horse.

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Once again I am super glad the Game of Thrones is back on television. I have not read the books so I don’t know what is about to happen in future episodes and almost all of the reviews I shall be totally drunk. Please share and talk shit if you want to because I won’t remember any of this.