Written by Ryan Fu @fu_beatz
Petyr Baelish aka Littlefinger is played wonderfully by Aidan Gillen of Game of Thrones. I have said this in past articles that Littlefinger is one of my favorite characters on the show. I can see so much of myself in Littlefinger’s character; for example, we are both trying to climb the ladder of success and are willing to do what it takes to accomplish our goals. We both believe in protecting our friends and family in which Petyr takes this to heart in this episode as we see the Pros and Cons of owning a “Moon Door.” Don’t get me wrong I think a Moon Door is cool. You can do a million things with it like throwing your trash away in a moments notice or just taking a piss whenever you feel like it. But eventually, you would fall to your doom by accident or by a guy, who you thought loved you but really only loved your sister.
This week episode starts with Tyrion’s situation as he has tries to find his champion after calling for a Trial by Combat, which by the way I think we should bring back in our legal system. I think I could have avoided a couple of speed tickets if I could have only jousted a couple of traffic officers. Jaime Lannister tells his brother he can’t defend him because he has a right hand sword. (Please re-read or watch past shows because there is joke in there) So, Tyrion tells his brother to find Bronn his Sellssword.
To be perfectly honest I think I would have been a Sellsword in this universe because I like combat and fast cash but I also think I could have been a male whore…because I like combat and fast cash. (If you’re not laughing yet, you need to drink up because the rest of this review is shit.)
So, Bronn shows up not to aid Tyrion but to tell him that he is going to get married so he can’t fight for him anymore. Unless, Tyrion can find him a better deal in which he can’t because let’s face it the Seven Kingdoms had a worse health insurance coverage then we do now. (Thanks Obama) So, Bronn tells Tyrion that he’s sorry but he had a great time killing and getting drunk with him.
“When have you ever risked your life for me? I like you but I like myself more.” Tyrion responds, “I have to kill the Mountain myself.”
Holy Fuck this guy is huge! He is literally a mountain.
Sir Gregor Clegane will be the one fighting in the Trail by Combat with Tyrion with the help of Cersei. Seeing this “Mountain of Men” easily disembowel regular size men made me feel horrible for Tyrion but finally a Prince comes to the rescue to Tyrion. Prince Oberyn, The Red Viper, tells Tyrion he wants justice and vengeance for Tyrion and himself. He tells Tyrion that he will be his Champion in the Trail on Combat and take his revenge on Sir Gregor. I can’t wait for this bloody battle to begin, hoping it’s like Medieval Times Theater, a combination of dinner and death!
A couple more Titty-bits about the episode before we get to LittleFinger’s “I believe I can Fly” video montage. The Hound and Arya get to really know one and another as they sorta kinda help a dying man get dead then get attacked by other men who don’t believe in bathing. The Hound shows Arya where a Man’s heart is so she can kill him faster. I always thought a Man’s heart was through his stomach, slowing killing with high blood pressure. (Seriously, it doesn’t get better after this)
Jon Snow is still crying a little baby to the masters of Castle Black about the upcoming attack from the wildings. Let’s face who would take advice from a bastard. Is it just me or am I not the only one that wants to see a reunion with Snow and the beautiful Ygritte. I feel like it’s doing to be scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer where, Buffy wants to fall in love with Angel but they can’t because she has to kill him. (Shut up! You watched the show)
Daenerys Targaryen gets a brand new sex man-slave in Daario but she still doesn’t trust him will all the goodies but just enough of the nookie. The ultimate tag team of Brienne and Podrick are starting to get somewhere in the search for the Stark girls as they get a clue from the smaller version of Bob’s Big Boy as they continue their adventure.
I just might be a sick bastard but don’t these two make a cute couple? Let’s face Podrick is not good with steel but he is a master with his sword and I think he slay the Lady of Tarth, a slice of humble pie with his sword play. (Of course, I’m talking about his penis; seriously it doesn’t get any better from here)
Finally, we get to the best part of the episode where we see Sansa Stark trying to recreate Winterfell but once again gets crushed by reality. As I was beginning to think we would never see incest again, George R.R. Martin comes to the rescue as creepy “Uncle Petyr” kisses Sansa in front of the Lysa Arryn. Aunt Lysa gets all Real Housewives of Atlanta on Sansa, threatening to throw her of the Moon Door but Uncle Creepy comes to her rescue in which he grabs his own wife, Lysa telling her everything is going to be all right but also telling her that he only loved one person, which was her sister.
I was like Damn Gina!
He then throws her off her own goddamn Moon Door. I think this is good time to use the word Irony. Littlefinger is the man but a little crazy but then again Sansa is kinda hot so maybe I would have thrown my own wife thru a Moon Door for a hotter piece of ass. Moral of the story Moon Doors are cool but they need a safety net like pools for babies or jealous wives because God knows I would throw all my crazy shit into the abyss. It’s Memorial Weekend next week, so G.O.T. won’t be back until two weeks from now but you can always revisit the episodes by re-reading our articles in this season of Game of Thrones and we promise you it won’t give you high blood pressure, maybe cancer though…
Please check out our other G.O.T Articles