I’m having a terrible time..
Living with Peripheral Neuropathy
Written by K.K. Martin @theKatrinaM
“One word, Frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.” – Sophocles
Normally I’m full of jokes and crazy talk so it’s very rare that I come on this blog with some depressing ass shit. The whole point of starting the blog was to get my depression out back in 2009. On October 2008 I was declared disabled, and SSA said that I was too young to be disabled and to fuck off, bitch go back to work. So I did, I worked in retail until 2011 where I used my degree loosely as tech for a communications company. As per their request I made sure that I obtained an office job. Simply because that’s what those assholes wanted me to do.
[ Peripheral neuropathy is a disorder of the peripheral nerves—the motor, sensory and autonomic nerves that connect the spinal cord to muscles, skin and internal organs. It usually affects the hands and feet, causing weakness, numbness, tingling and pain.]
Fast forward to 2012 and my body started to deteriorate even more, I couldn’t even work a full day, or get out of bed. My employers didn’t know what to do with me. I needed to be there because I was one of the 2 that were on the late shift. It got to the point where they suggested that I went on medical leave, I was already ahead of them on that decision. On November 2013 my doctors took me off work and declared me disabled once again.
[ Peripheral neuropathy is common. It is estimated that upwards of 20 million Americans suffer from this illness. It can occur at any age as children and young adults are affected. The disease is more common among adults 40 and up.]
I again applied for SSA, since it’s a long process I placed myself on SDI like I did in 2008. I’m at the point where this is nothing my doctors can do for me. I have a shit ton of specialist who try to keep me a whole person but it’s not working. I’ve done every test and been on a long list of medications. Once again SSA is telling me and my team of doctors that there is nothing wrong with me. How is that even possible? I’m in nonstop pain from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep if I fall asleep that night.
The pain in my back can no be felt in my spine, the electrocution has increased, the numbness is effecting the use of my limps I have muscle spasm more frequently than I did a year ago. Overall my value of life has decrease tremendously. Walking, sitting and standing has always been my main issues, so is mobility of my limbs and organs. And these people continue to say there is nothing wrong with me. I would love for someone to help me understand how a person in this much pain where they don’t go anywhere because of it or can function is 100% healthy. I have seen people who are able body get approve within months… months!
[ There are many causes of peripheral neuropathy, including diabetes, hereditary disorders, inflammation, infections or autoimmune diseases, protein abnormalities, compression or physical trauma, exposure to toxic chemicals, poor nutrition, kidney failure, chronic alcoholism, and certain medications – especially those used to treat cancer. ]
Today in particular is a rough day or more like a month. I’m in more pain that I can handle at any given moment. My body hurts so much that I took a hot bath to soak it, the problem is hot water causes my nervous to go insane. So now out of the tub, still in pain just different pain. I’m also in a financial shit hole, I pay for all my doctors appointments and medications out-of-pocket for the last year. So you can imagine what my pockets have been like living on SDI paying, rent, utilities, necessities, personal bills, food, medication, transportation, and doctors is like for me. While on SDI I did not qualify for any type of assistance, so if I was short I was just short and had to not eat or pay for something. We all know that I’m too fucking skinny for that not eating bullshit.
Mind you SDI only last for 12 month and I stretched that shit for 13 months, on month 14 I took out a loan from my 401k i know i know shut up! I only took out what I needed for the month and it’s now month 15 and I’m tapped out. I mean after the 12th of December there was nothing, no food, 130 short on rent, and no way to get anywhere. Did I mention my phone has been off since November? So I can’t communicate with anyone either. I tried getting UI but I can’t because I can’t worked and if I do work my case is automatically dismissed.
[ While every person’s experience with peripheral neuropathy can be as unique as the individual, there are some common neuropathy symptoms and signs. At first, you may notice numbness, tingling, abnormal sensations, or pain in your feet. Some people feel like they have socks on, even though they are barefoot. Over time, this feeling spreads to your legs and hands. ]
I should also mention that my case worker for my SSDI at the lawyer’s office is a fucking moron. I simply don’t understand how she even got the job. I requested for a new case worker. I should tell you what happen…. My doctor submitted a form to my job saying that I will never returned to work because of blah blah brain doctor terminology. He also wrote in my medical records that I am unemployable due to my condition which has too many restrictions. My case worker is supposed to be keeping up with my doctor’s appointment and all forms he sent out. This was almost a month ago, so when I called the person ahead of her he told me that they were never aware and that could help me get my case expedited to be seen by a judge. In other words I wouldn’t be struggling and about to be homeless if that was submitted into their system a month ago.
So here I am, in a shit ton of pain, broke, and now sick because I stood in a line for 1 1/2 – 2 hours at the morons of Social Services because they wouldn’t let me stand in the disabled line.. all for an application. With manner-less humans coughing and sneezing all over the place without covering their damn mouths. As I never really been on public assistance before, even when I worked only part-time and was always told I made too much money. How the fuck are these people getting food stamps and driving BMW’s? I saw more LV and Gucci in that place than I do on Rodeo, Robertson and etc. Explain!?
[ You may find it harder and harder to walk. Your legs feel heavy. You have to drag yourself up the stairs. You find yourself losing your balance, not being exactly sure where your feet are; so, you stumble into things or fall. To keep your balance, you are likely to widen your way of walking, and walking becomes less rhythmic or fluid. As for your hands, you think you have a good grip on something, like your keys, but they drop right out of your hands. In the worst cases, you can end up in a wheelchair. Some neuropathies can be fatal. ]
After 5 hours in a petri dish I only got food stamps which is a blessing because my kitchen was bare. Unfortunately for me I never bared any children so I don’t get anything else or at least until I go to their doctors to prove that I’m disabled next month after my rent is due. If I was a whore in my younger years, and had 5 kids by 6 dudes because I can’t figure out which one belong to whom. I could be living like a fucking queen, driving my BMW, rocking Gucci shades, with my Louie purse. Instead I went to college, became independent and worked all my adult life I gets nothing. I am now in a fucked up system that isn’t going to help me because I’m disabled. Oh and I have to pay them back 10% when my SSDI starts. Yet these bitches will remain to live off me. At this point I don’t believe they help single parents either.
[ Some types of peripheral neuropathy can be cured, yet most cannot. However, many patients can be helped. Therapy is directed at treating the underlying disease and at improving the symptoms with the right medications. An experienced neuromuscular neurologist can help patients feel more comfortable, and their quality of life can be greatly improved. But it is extremely important to get to an experienced neurologist as soon as you notice the symptoms before the disease has a chance to cause severe permanent damage. ]
As I’m writing this I am realizing that no one is reading because 1 it’s to seriously and 2 it’s a bit fucking long. I didn’t start writing for people to feel sorry for me. I just wrote out everything that is going on, and simply because no one really know what is happening to people who become disabled. This can easily be you one day if you get hurt on the job, or get into a car accident or develop a disease like I did. I wrote this to inform you so you are not ignorant to what is actually happening everyday to working class people. I grew up in middle class America, in San Diego actually, my mother worked every single day that I’ve been alive and still does till this day. She was a single mom most of my life but she never needed for anything, so as an adult I did the same thing. Went to work everyday just like her, I know that you’re asking if my parents can help and the answer is no. I am alone in this as I’ve always have been in this shit fest. Which brings me full circle on how this blog started. I like how things connect back, because it’s also the reason of this post.