Gonzo’ Corner Written by Ryan Fu @fu_beatz & Doc G
The word douchebag is one of the great words in the English vernacular. It says so much in just two syllables. Douchebag started out as an actual product but has morphed into a whole of meaning. It’s a label that tells you everything you need to know right at the away. You don’t refer to someone as a douchebag and ever have anyone ask what that means, everyone knows all they need to know.
Urban Dictionary says a douchebag is someone who has surpassed levels of jerk and asshole but is not yet a motherfucker. It’s a brilliant way to describe a douchebag, because most douchebags are harmless creatures who exist only to annoy and frustrate. Of course many douchebags become more than just mosquitoes, their bites start to hurt, and over time a douchebag can evolve into something much worse.
One of these reasons why we decided to do this article on douchbags is because I saw a photo of Tyrese crying like baby on the spot where Paul Walker was recently killed. I totally understand you feel sad and heartbroken that your friend is dead but don’t ham it up in front of the cameras. It started to become a story about how Tyrese felt so sad about Walker. When I saw that, my immediate response was, “what a douche!” But not in a negative way but rather like this guy is willing to do anything get any press for himself.
This is one of the many qualities that a douchebag has, and here are other examples on how to be a douchebag?:
– You do annoying Selfies usually with your shirt off
– You pretend that your a Pimp surrounding yourself with a lot of fake ass bitches
– You Flash your Wealth as much as you can (Money, cars, houses, boats, etc.)
– Your a Media Whore aka Tyrese- You need be in the Public Eye constantly
– Your a Social Media Whore- You need to constantly need to post or write something on your Social Media Network
– You have a fake tan
– You have a barb wire tattoo
– You have a tattoo of your name on your body (Just in case you forget)
– You still wear Ed Hardy gear
– You consistently talk about how much you love your life and how much money you make?
– Acting or dressing like a rock star
– Your motto is Ho’s before Bro’s
– If your Chris Angel
– Popped Collars
– Dudes who have fake balls on their trucks
– Wearing a Visor (Half hats)
– Too much hair gel or Frosted Tips
– Weird Piercings ( Nipple, Navel, Eyebrows, Penis Piercings are Cool)
THE TEN BIGGEST
DOUCHEBAGS OF ALL TIME
10. MARK SYKES.
Look the name up, go ahead, take a few moments, because I’m sure the name isn’t familiar to most, but the actions he took a century ago have managed to affect us every day. Sykes wasn’t a Prime Minister, Foreign Secretary, in fact he never held any elected posts. No he was just a lonely Foreign Service worker who at the end of World War 1 help decide which countries would be ruled by which kings in the Middle East. In one fell swoop he managed to create Arab hostility over the interference if western hands in their affairs, piss off Jewish dreams of a homeland, and lay the seed for conflict that still continues. He created Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Lebanon and all the other wonderful countries that have oil underneath their sand. Sykes is such a douche he is forgotten by history and yet his work remains.
Pontus Pilate decided he was going to release one of his prisoner. One condemned soul would be freed to live his life. Barabbas was the douchebag that was chosen instead of Jesus. Of course if Jesus doesn’t get crucified and do his whole first I’m dead now I’m not trick, Jesus doesn’t get to spread his message. Jesus was only 33, he could have been spared, spent the next 10 years preaching his hippy shit of love and peace and then been crucified so he could do his trick, but instead Barabbas got to go free. How did he spend his later years, the same way he spent his first, doing nothing, way to live up to your freedom.
8. VINNY TESTAVERDE
This is hard one to pick because Vinny did go to the U (University of Miami), but he also gave me my biggest gambling lose ever. He was leading the Jets to another awful season and finish with a last season game against Seattle. I was battling for last place in my football pool, a lot of money was on the line for whoever was lucky to finish dead last. It came down to the Jets, the team I bet, hoping they would actually lose, and that lost would win me money. It wasn’t really a hope, the Jets had played like shit since 1970 so I was feeling good, until at the end of the game Vinny leads the team down and dives for the winning touchdown. Besides the fact that he actually never made the endzone, Vinny never ran for tds, until the day I needed him to lose. Douche
7. ANYONE OSCAR VOTER WHO VOTED FOR KEVIN COSTNER AND DANCES WITH WOLVES FOR BEST PICTURE AND FIRECTOR OVER GOODFELLAS AND MARTIN SCORSSESE.
This doesn’t need to be explained.
Technically Stalin is more of an asshole monster, but for all his mass genocides and indiscriminate destruction, beneath it all was a true douchebag. The type of guy who fucks up, but instead of accepting the blame kills a million people including the people who helped him fuck up then proceeds to blame those people for the fuck up. He also sent most of his family off to Siberia in exile, but for all of Stalins shit, he never cost me money, like Vinny T.
5. HENRY KISSINGER
LBJ sends this little rat to Paris in 67 to try and make peace with Vietnam. He is part of a team that irons out all the plans and gets ready to end the war in 1968. Kissinger then tells Nixon about this, Nixon gets in touch with the South Vietnamese tells them hold out for a better deal and when I am elected I will get you it. Kissinger doesn’t tell LBJ he is sinking the plan, but soon the peace talks end, Nixon gets elected, and Kissinger becomes he loyal man bitch. The war in Vietnam continues, war comes to Laos, Cambodia and finally Chile. 5 years later Kissinger wins a Nobel prize for bringing about peace in Vietnam, of course he negotiated the exact same plan as before, except now the war has gone on 5 more years and cost more lives.
4. JOHN WILKES BOOTH
Lincoln wins the Civil War, frees the slaves and dies at a fucking musical. Booth took away the person who could have truly changed society, douchebag.
3. MARK DAVID CHAMPAN
Speaking of people who took away great people from the world. How can you shoot John Fucking Lennon, seriously I don’t care how crazy you are, or how many times you read Catcher In The Rye, it’s still Lennon. Plus like the great Bill Hicks said and then had stolen when he was dead by Dennis Leary, how can you put 7 bullets into Lennon and use none for Yoko Ono who was standing next to him? Also why not shoot Michael Jackson? Christ if MJ dies in the 80s before he molests kids his death is truly sad, so thanks Douchebag.
2. CHRIS BROWN
I’m sorry only a douchebag beats the shit out of Rhianna like that. Only a douchebag does that and shows no remorse. Only a douchebag like this would be viewed by some as a hero. Chris Brown is Ike Turner on a bad dad, least Ike played a mean guitar.
1. DONALD RUMSFELD
In the coming years Donald’s douchebag rating will only rise, as people get more time to look back and see how this man truly fucked up this world. He is Mark Sykes with an army, Stalin without the cunningness, and a Kissinger without the accent. Years from now people will read about the history of W Presidency and will paint Dick Cheney as the Darth Vader, Bush as the asshole and Rummy as the douchebag who planned a way but never thought to think about the peace. Great job taking over a country who had fought against Iran for decades and quickly turning it into Iran’s biggest friend. Good job expanding terrorism throughout the world and bringing jihad to every corner of this place. Good job letting hundreds of thousands die.
OTHERS MISSING CUT
ROCK BANDS WHO AFTER A GOOD ALBUM OR TWO DECIDE THEY ARE READY TO MAKE IMPORTANT MUSIC AND DECIDES TO CREATE A BLOATY CONCEPT ALBUM
“Let’s give a toast to the douchebags!”