My Biggest Fear by Gay & Mentally Unstable (BLW Contributor)

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I worry a lot about my future, and there is a few reasons behind this. The other day my Therapist asked me what my biggest fear was? 

And I looked back and though that if she would have asked that question last year, I would have answered something about never getting well from the eating disorder, and OCD, and something about my family discovering that I am gay. 

But she asked me now, not last year but now. And I thought about it, a lot, and I actually just discovered the answer. 

It is a fear that makes all the things I have gone though worse. A fear that makes me question if any of it was worth it, and if any of it is going to be worth it. Was it worth it to become admitted to the mental hospital while finishing high school? Was it worth it to start fighting my problems? Is it going to be worth it, when I cut the relationship with my family, so I can be true to myself, so I can be gay?

And it is a fear that makes me ask the question, why? Why me?? Why do some people get to reach it,while some of us don’t? 

It is a fear that makes me wonder, if I will ever get a family, a boyfriend, someone who love me. Am I ever going to love myself? Be in love? Get my dream job? Buy my own car? 

It is a fear that makes me afraid, afraid of walking into the future, to keep on going without knowing if I will ever reach the goal. A fear that makes me afraid that it won’t ever go away? 

It is the fear of never being happy. 

– R 

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7 comments on “My Biggest Fear by Gay & Mentally Unstable (BLW Contributor)

  1. Dr Ruth 2point0 (Anna) says:

    You are worthy and it will all be worth it! Don’t listen to fear, it doesn’t want you to be happy

  2. I love this post. I hope you find happiness and omg I’m so touched by this right now.

  3. Reblogged this on ccohsydney and commented:
    “Do not be afraid I am with you.”

  4. R–
    We all have fears. One thing to keep in mind about these fears of the future you’re harboring is that ‘they do not exist.’ All of the fears we, as a humanity, experience are ultimately assumptions that have no guarantee of even happening. It is all in our mind–our negative mind. It is what traps us from unlocking our full potential. Fear is a killer, but there is a way to conquer it:

    Find a deeper meaning to yourself. What is your purpose in life? What is it that you want to be? What do you wish to accomplish? If you could envision a better you, what would you be doing as of this moment? If you can answer these questions, then guess what: that being is who you ARE blocking. That is the inner you, you are refusing when you focus on these fears.

    Keep this vision of your betterself at bay, for it will be your push/drive to conquer these fears. Knowing that there is a purpose, knowing that there is a reason to all of this TEMPORARY suffering/anxiety/confusion–is what will assist in pushing these fears aside. You can do it, and we are here to help.

    I enjoyed this post. Don’t be afraid, there are millions like you.

    (I’d also like to recommend listening to Dan Savage (www.savagelovecast.com) who goes into depth about politics, society, and answers questions that many people have–moreso about homosexuality and marriage equality and gives great guidance in general.

  5. natcat1818 says:

    You need to learn to be yourself, accept yourself, and thrive in who you are! It starts with just one single step…focus on you! Take the bull by the horns and be your beautiful wonderful self! It is apparent that you are quite depressed, and battling with this reality, rightfully so, If your family cannot accept you, you need to show them that you accept yourself and they in time will eventually follow! Worst case scenario it may take time for your loved ones to come around, so you need to start living your life today! Once you are strong, people will feed on that inner strength, and you will be amazed at the kind of reception you will receive. GO FOR WHAT YOU KNOW! If they cannot accept who you really are then the truth is you will be able to create your own family, through healthy loving friends and hopefully your biological family will follow suit! Best of luck! BTW the title of this blog is extremely misleading and sounds negative. Glad that i read this you need to embrace yourself,. and I promise you good things will follow! Feel free to respond, would love to talk more! ❤

  6. debcorreia says:

    Fear is overcome one step at a time. Be brave – you’ve got this.

  7. nicsfashionchoice says:

    Wow. I feel the same. I’m worried about my future, and if going to college was worth it. Good read

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