“Bro, how more of these assholes are we going to see this week? I’m getting tired of these losers,” Angello tells me in his thick Argentine accent.
“Dude, we need a replacement for the other cocksucker we fired last week,” telling Picco as I text the new recruit on our whereabouts.
“Bro, that dude sucked dick and not in a good way.”
“I know. He was too much of a stoner. We need someone dependable and trustworthy. We need a killer on the crew.”
“Yeah, he must have a tight butthole, so I can fuck him I’m the ass.”
“Good point. I’ll ask him during the interview.”
It was late in the afternoon in the last week of October as we wait for new candidate on Robertson Blvd. I stand outside off my truck in front of the Newsroom as Angello edits and uploads pictures, while at the same time watching nugget porn. I look up and down the street trying to spot this fool, then I saw young punk walking my way. This kid was shorter than I was in his Ed Hardy shirt, camouflage cargo shorts and backwards baseball cap. At least, I didn’t have to tell him how to dress like a douchebag cause he already got that down.
“Yo, Angello. Check out the new dude.”
Picco stops watching pornography on his laptop for a sec to check out the kid, “this little piece of chit. No Ryan, don’t hire this weak asshole, he probably doesn’t even have a tight butthole.”
“Let’s give him chance, then if he sucks you can find out if he does have tight butthole or not.”
“Hey, do you know where the Newsroom is?” The new guy asks me as I point to the huge ass sign next to him. “Oh, duh.”
“Yeah. How did you know?”
“You got a strong aura around you. The name is Fu, I’ll be training you today to see if you can make the cut.”
“Great. I’m super pumped up for this cause I’ve been a fan of you guys for a while now and I love celebrities.”
“First off, I don’t give a fuck if you love celebrities because they don’t give a fuck about you. Second, what did you do before you decided you wanted to be scumbag?”
“Well, ugh, I was or I’m still in school for photography. I’ve been in school for the last two years learning about photography.”
“Well that’s a waste of time, especially on this job. Listen up, rook, you just need to learn these three settings to work this job, which the rest of it is just instincts and hard work.” I give Andy the 411 immediately about the position telling him straight up that this was not going to be an easy job, which it was portrayed on tv as I hand him the camera for the first time showing him the settings.
Andy picks up on the settings immediately as I show him how to shoot these celebrities on long and short lens. He struggles with it because he’s not used to his subjects not wanting to be shot as he has to learn fast on the fly. I put him through the ring trying to overload as much of information onto him, so I can see if he remembered what I showed him just moments ago. In this business you gotta be quick on your feet because just like in life there are no dress rehearsals, you’re going to have to deal what is coming at you in a moments notice. This was true for me in the military and it still rings true to me now as a paparazzi.
“You ready to get your feet wet rookie?” Telling Andy to get ready as I spot Paris Hilton walking down the street. “Go shoot that girl!”
“Who is she?”
“Just shoot asshole,” Angello screams at Andy as he storms out of the truck with his camera towards Paris.
“It’s Paris Hilton.”
“Oh, I know her.”
“That’s great Andy. Now run over there and shoot the shit out of her and don’t drop my fucking camera,” yelling at Andy as he runs over towards Paris with Angello.
I check out Andy as he crosses the busy street on Robertson Blvd to join Angello with the other paps shooting Paris. I notice that he checks out his settings before shooting her, getting in the perfect position to shoot her as they get into a store. Angello tells Andy to change his settings to shoot her inside the store, which he does without any help from me. Andy shoots Paris changing his position each time for a better angle, which it looked like at this point, the short amount of training actually sunk somewhere in his brain because I was really impressed with this young kid, the way he used all the things that I just showed him just moments ago. He changes his settings again being in the correct position as Paris leaves the store getting into her custom Pink Bentley.
Angello and Andy run back to the truck as Angello slaps Andy’s butt, which I could see Andy was really excited afterwards with his big ass smile.
“How did you do?”
“I think I did alright?”
“He was fucking amazing,” Angello tells me quickly editing and uploading to the network.
I point to Angello on his laptop, “listen Andy, in this business, you’re either first or your last. We must send our images out quickly to be the first dogs to dinner table. If you don’t shoot, then you don’t get fed.” Andy understands what I’m saying as I check out his pictures. “There aren’t that bad but you need to calm down a bit and focus on the shoot because some of these aren’t sharp from sharp malaka, but other than that I think Angello and I are really impressed with you kid.”
“You got a really tight butt,” Angello tells Andy without even looking at him working on pictures.
“You want to shoot some more,” I tell Andy but I could already tell that his kid was already hooked because it was the same look I had when I had with my first experience being a paparazzi. I was a brand new vampire thirsty for more blood, which I was going to give to Andy.
“Fuck yeah! But I had a question. What if they don’t want to be shot? Like they put their head down or cover up, do we still keep shooting?”
Angello stops what he is doing staring at Andy as I take of my sunglasses giving Andy my serious look. “You never stop shooting.”
“You never stop shooting asshole!” Angello shouts out before going back to his work.
“We never stop until the job is complete. If they try to hide or cover up, just keep trying out different angles and keep shooting until they give up and show they’re faces. This is the difference between a good pap and a great pap. What are you willing to do to get that money shot.”
“Yeah, Andy the Money Shot. This is the main reason why we are all here. It’s not like we give a fuck about these celebrities, I mean some of them are cool but they don’t pay our bills and I certainly don’t give a fuck about photography. I just want the money motherfucker, lots of money motherfucker, which you can potentially make if you learn your job, be a hard worker and are willing to do what other paps won’t do, then you’ll be making huge money in no time.”
Chuck walks back to the truck from the bathroom missing all the action again.
“What did I miss y’all?”
“Jesus, Charlie did you fall in the toilet. You masturbate too long,” Angello jokingly tells Chuck.
“You missed Paris.”
“Ah, I love Paris. My bad guys, I was taking a shit and it was a lot. You ever take a shit and it doesn’t stop coming. It just came out of me like a brown volcano.”
“You’re butthole must be like a black hole mang.”
“You don’t give a shit about Paris.”
“Yeah, you’re right but it would have been funny video talking to her about my shit. Who’s this?”
“This is the new recruit.”
“Hi, my name is Andy.”
“Hi there, name is Charles. Did you shoot Paris as well?”
“Yeah, he did, which I gotta tell you he did a better job on his first time than you did Chuck.”
“Well, it’s because I don’t give a fuck.”
“I already gathered that, thanks buddy,” I tell Chuck as he gets into the truck with Angello.
“Don’t point that asshole at me mang, it’s still dangerous.” Angells tells Charles as both of them start laughing in the back of the truck.
“Well, you ready to kill more celebrities?”
“Well, then get into the truck and enjoy the ride.”
Andy gets into the truck with the rest of the animals as I find more celebrities for him to shoot, which he starts to act like a season vet with every set he shoots being more comfortable with himself along with the camera. It’s around dusk before we head into a Halloween shop on Sunset Blvd looking for fun costumes?
“Are we going to a Halloween party?” Andy asks me kinda confused why we were doing here instead of shooting celebrities.
“Well, sometimes when you can’t get the “money shot”, you must be willing to create the “money shot.” I tell Andy as he gives me the confused look. “Listen, people only give you the big time money if there is actually a story behind the pictures we take like Britney going insane or Lindsay crashing her car. People love that shit when something is going crazy with the celebrity, so this is why we are here young padawan.”
“I’m still confused.”
“I found it!” Angello tells me bring the costume towards us.
“This is perfect,” telling Angello as Charles walks over.”
“Fuck no. This shit it too small for my fat ass,” Chuck tells me in anger.
“This is why it’s perfect for you.”
“You have to show that fat black ass Charlie,” Angello tells Charles slapping his butt as we head towards the cash register.
“You sure this is going to work?”
“Fuck yeah. It’s going to be hysterical and epic,” telling Charles trying to reassure him that this was a good move as he finally agrees with my plans.
“What are we doing again?” Andy asks me being totally confused on what was going on?
“Don’t worry kid, it’s going to make sense in a sec.”
We purchase the costume and head to the truck driving to our next destination as Angello drives and Charles changes into his costume in the back of the truck.
“You don’t mind sexy black men getting naked in front of you right Andy?” Angello asks Andy as Charles and Angello start laughing.
“This shit is too tight motherfucker.” Charles tells me trying to fit into the costume.
“Just try to not rip it, so I can bring it back you bastard.”
“I still don’t know the plan, bro?” Andy asks me.
“Listen, see these stupid milkshake flyers. Well, we are getting $50 dollars every time the celebrity or any pictures with this flyer is shown. So, this is why we got a costume for Chuck to make it even a bigger story, so we can make more money. You get now?”
“Yeah. If the money shot isn’t there, then you create the money shot.”
“Bingo, young Jedi. We must all embrace the darkside,” I tell Andy as he gives me his big ass schoolboy smile again.
“We’re here assholes,” Angello tells us parking close to the spot, which was Madeo, a very popular eatery on Melrose Ave close to Paparazzi Alley, where celebrities like to eat and paparazzi like to congregate waiting for celebrities. We got a tip from the valet that there were a couple of stars having dinner there, so we get ready in the truck before the shit goes down.
“Listen, Chuck. The only way that this will work, if you get into fucking character. You must believe that you are the super hero inside that tight ass red and blue costume. You must believe that you are saving the celebrities from the evil paparazzi. You must the Black Captain America. You must save everyone and make us lots of money. You ready?”
“Fuck yeah,” Chuck screams at us grabbing his Captain America shield along with the very valuable flyers as we bust out of the truck, charging towards Madeos acting like a bunch of wild animals hungry to get paid, which we could see the paparazzi are shooting a celebrity coming out of restaurant.
It was Susan Lucci, she was a soap opera star but at the moment she was on Dancing with the Stars, but we didn’t give a fuck because she was about meet the Wild Bunch. We storm on the busy street of Melrose already making our presences felt shooting our cameras in the air like a bunch of insane cowboys as the Black Captain America tries to save Miss Lucci from the savages with the cameras.
Charles was first on the scene pushing through the crowd of the photographers getting into the front with his tight blue Captain America costume. At first, Miss Lucci didn’t notice him but it didn’t take long before she saw this huge black man in a Captain America costume in front of here taking pictures of her. Everyone started laughing, including me as I was trying to film the insanity but I was too busy laughing at Charles because he looked so funny in a tight as Captain America costume, which you could see his back fat coming out of his costume because he was so fat. But this didn’t deter Chuck at all because he knew what we all knew that night, which was this was the “money shot.” A crazy ass fan with a funny Halloween costume next to America’s sweetheart, which Angello and I knew that this was going to sell as I could see in the corner of my eye, Angello shooting the shit of Charles and Miss Lucci, laughing his ass of but still getting the job, which to my surprise I see Andy right in the middle of the pack with his big ass smile shooting having a great time.
“Chuck show her the flyer!”
Charles spaces out for a bit, which he sometimes does before shoving the flyer in the face of Miss Lucci as she is a bit surprise and maybe a little bit threatened but it did get the job done as she grabs the flyer standing right next to the black Captain America.
BOOM! The Money Shot.
We keep on shooting until we mercifully let her walk into her car as Chuck gracefully puts a milkshake flyer on her car window as Angello takes the last shot of her with the flyer. Ca-Ching! Mission accomplished I thought still filming the chaos as I could see Angello chasing Charles around trying to put the rest of the flyers down his costume pants as we all started saying,
“The Wild Bunch! The Wild Bunch! The Wild Bunch!”
I turn to Andy with his big ass smile on his face, “So, what do you think? Do you want the job?”
“Are you kidding me? Fuck yeah I do!” Andy excitingly tells me shaking my hand in an agreement.
“Welcome to the Wild Bunch kid.”
Captain America Pluggin Millions of Milkshakes to Susan Lucci
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