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A Priceless tip from George Clooney by Ryan Fu (The Hated Ones)

“You are a total asshole.”

Eating my Mac and Cheese getting berated by my new ex-girlfriend in front of people at the Cheesecake Factory as she tells me, “You have no idea how to treat a woman, maybe you should take a class or something.”

I finally pay attention to her lifting my head chewing with my mouth open showing how classy I was.

“You’re a fucking jerk and a pothead. I thought you would change and grow up, but you’re always going to be a child,” she yells at me storming out of the restaurant like a little pouty girl, who didn’t get any dessert.

I finished up my dinner alone, wondering if she was right? Maybe I should grow up and act like an adult but is that what she really meant? I’m close to my thirties, in which I still had no idea how women thought because they were a mystery to me. 

Pondering the universe’s problem over Mac and Cheese, I get a call for the “Ladies Man.”

“Hey dickface.”

“What’s up Angello?”

“I got tip for Clooney at a restaurant, if you want to shoot it.”

“Sure. I’m just having dinner by myself.”

“Lisa just dumped your ass didn’t she?”

“Yup.”

“You’re a fucking asshole.”

“I know bro, but what are you going to do?”

“At least, you’re not that piece of chit Andy?”

“Listen, he had to do, what he had to do. He wanted to get more money and go after bigger stories.”

“That little piece of chit is not ready for that, he’s a baby.”

“No man. He’s a grown man. He can choose whatever he wants to do.”

“But we taught him everything. That little back stabber.”

“Sometimes you have let the birdies fly out of the nest.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about mang, but shoot that shit so we can have money for the titty bar, you piece of chit.”

I pay my bill getting my food to go as I head towards the job still thinking about what Lisa said about me because maybe there was a slim chance that she was right. I pull up to Dan Tanas, which was one of Clooney’s favorite hangout spot. I see his car right of front of the valet with a private security guard waiting in the wings. It wasn’t my first time waiting for Clooney, who has always been the nicest dude to us. Standing out there waiting for him, thinking about how awesome it would be just to be George Clooney for a day or two because the guy seems like he’s got his shit together. 

He’s uber rich, not married, no kids and always surrounded by super hot models. What better person to ask about advice on women? Maybe he can solve the universe’s problem and give me the answers I was desperately seeking because apparently I had no idea what I was doing.

The bodyguard gives me the sign that he’s about to leave and to give him space not blocking him as he walks to his car. I prepare myself as he walks out of the restaurant with a hot model linked up in his arms.

I begin taking photos of him as he starts laughing and smiling with his hot dance partner, which he was having a blast playing it up for my camera. I was having so much fun that I didn’t pay attention to a pole that was directly behind me as Mr. Clooney warns me about it, but it was too late as I hit the pole, stumbling to the concrete but I stand up immediately making sure I don’t lose anymore cool points with George.

I stop shooting him as he acts like a gentleman opening the car door for his date as she carefully gets into his car with her beautiful dress. This was my time to ask the questions that were haunting me the whole night.

“Mr. Clooney, how do you do it? How can I be a ladies man like yourself,” telling him with a straight face. 

At first he laughs at the question then responds, “I don’t know pal, I don’t think I’m a ladies man. I don’t got the answers,” telling me as he gets into his car.

I thought what the fuck?

If George Clooney, a guy’s guy, the dude that every man wanted to be, didn’t have the answers to one of life’s greatest mystery, which were women. What hope did I or any other man have in figuring out the opposite sex. Maybe my bitter ex-girlfriend was right, maybe I’ll never figure out females in my lifetime? Then all of the sudden the heavens opened up, showing the bright full Moon giving me the sign. Before he gets into his car, he drops this nugget of wisdom on me,

“Be yourself,” confidently telling me with his trademark George Clooney smile getting into his expensive car with his supermodel girlfriend. 

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A large weight lifted off my chest because I knew that Clooney was right on the money. You gotta be yourself because you shouldn’t be someone you’re not for someone else because it doesn’t help you or the person you’re with. I get into my car watching Mr. Clooney drive off waving goodbye to him, thanking him for the great advice. As I finish my Mac and Cheese alone in my car listening to Bob Marley, happily being myself then I get a call from Angello,

“Yo, bro. Did you hear?”

“No, what happened?”

“Andy died during a chase.”

I pause for a moment as flashes of images of all of us hanging out with Andy in the past comes flooding into my head. I felt really sad inside and it was eerie that we were just talking about him.

“They were on the freeway and they were going really fast. I guess Andy tried to take a picture of the dude’s car and he wasn’t looking and he got hit by another car. He died immediately. Chit is fucked up mang. Sorry for talking chit. Drive home safely bro. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Thanks. You too bro. Drive home safely.”

I hang up the phone with great sadness in my heart because he didn’t deserve to die like that, he was a good kid with a great future in this business but I guess he went out doing the thing he loved the most, which was being a paparazzo. I guess you can’t get all the answers to life’s questions because this shit is still a mystery to me and maybe you’re not supposed to understand all of life’s questions. One moment you’re alive having a good time then all of the sudden your dead. I promised myself that whatever I’m doing in my life whether if it was good or bad, I was going to have a good time because this ride called life is short and I want to go out doing what I love the most, which was being myself and not giving a fuck.

RYAN FU

Unknown

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