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Fu’s Politically Incorrect Review – Jurassic World (Spoiler Alert: Everyone Dies!!!)

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WRITTEN BY RYAN FU @FU_BEATZ

Located off the coast of Costa Rica, the Jurassic World luxury resort provides a habitat for an array of genetically engineered dinosaurs, including the vicious and intelligent Indominus rex. When the massive creature escapes, it sets off a chain reaction that causes the other dinos to run amok. Now, it’s up to a former military man and animal expert (Chris Pratt) to use his special skills to save two young brothers and the rest of the tourists from an all-out, prehistoric assault.

First off, it never gets old seeing dinosaurs on the silver screen. It’s just brings me back when I was 12 years old but just like the first film I wanted every single dinosaur to kill everyone on the island. Because let’s face we’ve been on top the evolution chain for a relatively long time and we still don’t act any better than the animals we eat or control. Just like a high school party that you got invited to by one of your friends, someone people are cool and the rest of the people at the party are fucking assholes that need to be eaten by a T-Rex.

That’s what happens at this party. People are having a good time then someone had to make a genetically modified organisms into a dinosaur. Yes, those three evil letters (GMO), you’ve been taught to stay away from in the supermarkets. Basically, this Indominus Rex aka asshole, decided to ruin the party. Apparently, the mad scientists decided to create a killing machine that not only kills for food but also kills for fun, so she’s a giant bitch.

But I would be pissed off as well, if I was captive in isolation for most my life. Plus, if my diet consisted of a whole cow everyday, I would be agitated as well craving for some greens or at least a better menu selection. So, like all smart and highly dangerous animals, especially the ones who’s been spliced by the baddest predators, you would think it would be guarded by a team of former military types, which it isn’t of course. It’s guarded by one fat security dude eating a four course meal while on duty. So, naturally it easily out wits Paul Blart the mall cop and runs amok on the park killing humans (Yay!), but also killing dinosaurs (Boo!)

In that sad scene when the GMO dinosaur injures the Brontosaurus, leaving it to slowly die with Star Lord and Bryce Dallas Howard, I’ve never wanted anybody to die as badly as I did to see the Brontosaurs making one last attempt to eat off Bryce Dallas’s ridiculous BOB haircut. But I understand it is a herbivore and it has better taste. Bryce finally realized after numerous people had died along with dinosaurs and her own nephews’ lives were at risk that maybe we shouldn’t have created this killing machine and maybe we should stop it.

But just like how you have a feeling that you’ve stayed too long at party when you know it’s already over, the Indominus Rex has stopped the park’s security forces feeble attempt to stop it, causing havoc at the park which eventually takes control of the park. In one last pathic attempt, the humans decide to use Raptors that Chris Pratt has trained in order to hunt another killer dinosaur, but of course it back fires because the genetically modified dinosaur is fluent in English, Spanish, Rapanese and Real Talk.

And Real Talk. The modified dinosaur told the other Raptors, “Yo, fuck these humans.” The human’s plan backfires again as the Raptors start hunting and killing the humans. But finally, someone decides to throw out Indominus Rex out of the party because she was getting way too fucked up. But the humans don’t come to the rescue as the dinosaurs do come out to help the humans. Which brings me to my point again that animals are better than humans. This movie was really enjoyable and I highly recommend it.

One final note, if they decided to keep making modified dinosaurs, I think it would be a lot like the 90’s tv show Dinosaurs, which follows the life of a family of dinosaurs, living in a modern world. They have TVs, fridges, etc. The only humans around are cavemen, who are viewed as pets and wild animals.

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Fu’s Observations:

– I know I shitted on Paul Blart but I’ve watched both movies. Highly enjoyable.
– Did Bryce Dallas Howard have that haircut to make her be hated more because it worked.
– So, glad that the black guy didn’t die in which I still think Samuel Jackson is still alive. (We just saw a black severed arm, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it was his arm, you racists.)
– How come that snooty evil Asian scientist didn’t die?
– Can you genetically modify a racists dinosaur?
– Are there gay or bisexual dinosaurs? That new dinosaur had to be transgendered. I would believe the LGBT community would get behind it.
– Those kids parents definitely still divorced. One of those Pterodactyls definitely left the island and now is a legal immigrant in Texas, working as an insurance agent.
– You have no idea where Costa Rica is on a map. You just know its down there somewhere.

RYAN FU

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6 comments

  1. I loved this, and yes the movie was definitely enjoyable. Ive been a jurassic park fanatic since childhood so i was practically squealing in my seat everytime a dinosaur showed up. And when the T-Rex came out? Forget it. I was waving my arms as if i personally knew it haha

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