WRITTEN BY: RYAN FU @FU_BEATZ
First off, let me say that I know a lot of people don’t like Joffrey Baratheon because he is an evil little prick that tortures women to death and annoys the shit out of everybody but I liked him. I mean seriously, if you are a young man like he was that was recently named King of the Realm wouldn’t you want to do whatever you wanted to do. I am not saying that I would slaughter a bunch of women but I would rock out with my cock out. (Please use that phrase) I would have a ball because it seems to me in this universe that Kings or men with power don’t live long at all. So, why not wild out and live like it was 1799. That being said, Joffrey was probably the biggest asshole on the show besides that back-stabbing Roose Bolton. I know that he had to die but I will miss that sociopathic little prick.
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In the opening of the episode we see a hunting party with Roose Bolton’s bastard son and poor Theon Greyjoy. Theon has become a total bitch and had his changed his name to Reek. Lord Bolton visits his bastard to see Theon, which he realizes that Greyjoy is not himself anymore. Bolton’s bastard son, tells his father that Theon is his obedient dog and even shows it off by letting Theon shave him, telling Theon that Robb Stark is dead and Theon does nothing.
Bolton’s son wants to prove himself to his father and gets ordered to find the other Stark brothers at Black Castle with the help of Theon. I feel so bad for Theon, it’s like he can’t do nothing right. He tries to do the right thing but it just backfires on him. I just hope he dies a quick death because he has suffered too much already. Granted, what is dead may never die, but a man without his dick is not a man. It’s just Rosie O’Donnell.
Speaking of beast, we see Bran Stark going Beast mode doing his Wog thing becoming his dire wolf. His other Wog buddy tells him that he shouldn’t be part of the beasts mind too long because there might be a chance that he would just become the beast he controls forever.
Bran finds the Ticket Oak Tree to find out where they need to go. I am really hoping this story line ends up with him becoming one of the dragons then of storms to the Dwarf Kingdom, stealing all their gold and the Arkenstone. Oh, wait…
A couple of story nuggets before we get to the glorious Royal Wedding and Feast; one, Stannis Baratheon is sulking like a little bitch and the Red Witch is still smoking hot. Tyrion and Jaime Lannister have lunch together, which Jaime reveals to Jaime that he can’t fight anymore because he jerks off with his right hand. So, Tyrion helps the King Slayer by having his sellsword to help out Jaime in his fighting. Tyrion breaks Shae’s heart because he fears that his family will do something dangerous to her and treats her like Beethoven. He demands her to live because he doesn’t love her and he is already married. A little unknown fact of Shae, played by the lovely Sibel Kekilli, she was a real porn star before she landed the gig for Game of Thrones. (And you thought you weren’t going to learn nothing from this article)
Now before you degenerates go to Google to try to find out where you can see this (Go to YouPorn) please read all about the Red Wedding. King Joffrey and Margaery Tyrell finally get married and have a feast. At the feast there are many entertainers like the King’s Fool, an indie rock band and a midget show. The little person show showed all the fall kings and heroes of the Seven Kingdoms.
Joffrey is having a fucking ball and why shouldn’t he?!! His enemies are dead, he got a brand new sword, he has a bad ass bitch at his side now, things are good but they can always be better as he humiliates his own Uncle, Tyrion in front of the Kingdom by pouring wine all over him like it was a Dr. Dre video.
Joffrey goes further, telling Tyrion that he is the new “cup-bearer” before Tyrion gets a chance to go ape shit, the wedding cake shows up.
Joffrey uses his brand new Valyrian sword to cut the take and takes a bite out of it. He tells Tyrion he is thirsty and brings him a drink. As soon as starts drinking, he begins to choke and falls on the ground. Cersei and Jaime try to help the king but it’s already to late the poison has done it’s job. I really hope it wasn’t a nut allergy that he died from because that is a sad, sad way to die. Fucking peanut butter?
In one final act Joffrey points to his uncle and Cersei loses her shit, which I want to point the while the king was dying I was checking out the queen’s breast the whole time. Hey fuck you, don’t judge me! Life and death, breast and nut allergies go hand in hand. (If you missed the joke then drink some more then re-read this part)
Cersei wants Tyrion to be locked up with the scene ending with the queen looking at her fallen son. I always thought Joffrey was a bit misunderstood by people. I mean he was a kid, you want him to be young and reckless. You know you would have done a couple of things he would have done, except killing a few whores. We will miss the former King of the Iron Throne. RIP Joffrey Baratheon, we all hope that your torturing a bunch of people in Hell you little prick…
Once again I am super glad the Game of Thrones is back on television. I have not read the books so I don’t know what is about to happen in future episodes and almost all of the reviews I shall be totally drunk. Please share and talk shit if you want to because I won’t remember any of this except for the midget show, that shit was fucked up…