Pervis the Pervert
Written by Charles Postell Facebook
Intro by Ryan Fu @fu_beatz
Introducing a new section in Be Like Water, Pervis the Pervert, the life coach. I know what you’re thinking, “what the fuck.” Exactly.
“What the fuck. ” Indeed. Aren’t you getting tired of all these people, who went to college and got degrees in sociology, psychology, or any background or study that would actually has the qualifications to help you out in life. These so-called smart people or well adjusted humans can’t be trusted in helping you in these crazy times. You want advice from someone who’s been there and done that. Someone who’s done every drug, commited unspeakable crimes and slepted with both men and women. Someone who knows how to get a bunch of pills from your body aka a stomach pump, duh.
I know what you’re going to say, “But, Ryan, he’s a puppet.”
My response, “You’re a fucking PUPPET!!!”
You’re getting a bunch advice from assholes every single day, you might as well get advice from a puppet. So, open your mind and heart and let Pervis into your life.
Pervis was born in Toobelow, Georgia. He is 79 years of age. The middle child of 14 brothers, Pervis grew up in a poor neighborhood. He had to go to work at very early age to support his family and at the age of 23, Pervis got married. He was married for about 5 years before his wife gave birth to Pervis’s first child, a bouncing Asian baby boy. After about a year, Pervis realized that he is not Asian and that his wife has been cheating on him with the building manager, Mr. Sohoes. Pervis was very upset so he ended their 5yr marriage and moved to Los Angeles. He tried his hand at being a male hooker but quickly quit when got freaked out by all the men who wanted to have sex with him. So, Pervis did what he was taught living in a small country town. He quit perusing his dreams and got a job working at a bullshit job, working at a porn store in Hollywood, CA. Pervis decided to live a bachelor lifestyle for life and was named people magazine oldest bachelors next to George Clooney.
LIFE COACHING & Shit *Fan Questions
* I’m a woman that slept with over 20 men does that make me a slut?
“It doesn’t make you a whore it just makes you a very charitable person and we need more sluts like you…”
* How do I avoid the marriage question from my girlfriend?
“Tell her the truth like I told my girlfriend once you can’t get married because it’s against the law in most state to have two wives.”
* If I want to watch football but my partner wants me to hangout with her and her friends what do I do?
“Just before the game you tell her your gay and that you sucked another man off in her car one day in the parking lot at a Wendy’s that will give at least three hours of her being in shock of you sucking another grown mans dick… By the time the shock wears off and she wants to talk the game will be over and you can tell her you was just joking. This works great in the month of April during NBA play offseason you can always say “April Fools!”
* How do I tell my partner I want a threesome with her best friend?
“Take them out and get them both drunk! Also, alcohol is the key to success.”
* How do I dump someone before Valentine day and I’m I an asshole for doing so?
“Of course not, we live in a rough economy so they have to understand that. Or you can make he or she a valentine the way we did in elementary school with some construction paper and paste and shit it’s cheap quick and it seems like it’s Straight from the heart. Plus chicks did that kind of kiddy shit.
Or grow a pair and tell them to fuck off I ain’t getting u shit!!!”
Please ask ALL YOUR Life’s questions to Pervis the Pervert the LIFE COACH – EMAIL US