The Wild Ones by Ryan Fu (The Hated Ones)

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“Bro, how more of these assholes are we going to see this week? I’m getting tired of these losers,” Angello tells me in his thick Argentine accent.

“Dude, we need a replacement for the other cocksucker we fired last week,” telling Picco as I text the new recruit on our whereabouts.

“Bro, that dude sucked dick and not in a good way.”

“I know. He was too much of a stoner. We need someone dependable and trustworthy. We need a killer on the crew.”

“Yeah, he must have a tight butthole, so I can fuck him I’m the ass.”

“Good point. I’ll ask him during the interview.”

It was late in the afternoon in the last week of October as we wait for new candidate on Robertson Blvd. I stand outside off my truck in front of the Newsroom as Angello edits and uploads pictures, while at the same time watching nugget porn. I look up and down the street trying to spot this fool, then I saw young punk walking my way. This kid was shorter than I was in his Ed Hardy shirt, camouflage cargo shorts and backwards baseball cap. At least, I didn’t have to tell him how to dress like a douchebag cause he already got that down.

“Yo, Angello. Check out the new dude.”

Picco stops watching pornography on his laptop for a sec to check out the kid, “this little piece of chit. No Ryan, don’t hire this weak asshole, he probably doesn’t even have a tight butthole.”

“Let’s give him chance, then if he sucks you can find out if he does have tight butthole or not.”

“Hey, do you know where the Newsroom is?” The new guy asks me as I point to the huge ass sign next to him. “Oh, duh.”

“Andy right?”

“Yeah. How did you know?”

“You got a strong aura around you. The name is Fu, I’ll be training you today to see if you can make the cut.”

“Great. I’m super pumped up for this cause I’ve been a fan of you guys for a while now and I love celebrities.”

“First off, I don’t give a fuck if you love celebrities because they don’t give a fuck about you. Second, what did you do before you decided you wanted to be scumbag?”

“Well, ugh, I was or I’m still in school for photography. I’ve been in school for the last two years learning about photography.”

“Well that’s a waste of time, especially on this job. Listen up, rook, you just need to learn these three settings to work this job, which the rest of it is just instincts and hard work.” I give Andy the 411 immediately about the position telling him straight up that this was not going to be an easy job, which it was portrayed on tv as I hand him the camera for the first time showing him the settings.

Andy picks up on the settings immediately as I show him how to shoot these celebrities on long and short lens. He struggles with it because he’s not used to his subjects not wanting to be shot as he has to learn fast on the fly. I put him through the ring trying to overload as much of information onto him, so I can see if he remembered what I showed him just moments ago. In this business you gotta be quick on your feet because just like in life there are no dress rehearsals, you’re going to have to deal what is coming at you in a moments notice. This was true for me in the military and it still rings true to me now as a paparazzi.

“You ready to get your feet wet rookie?” Telling Andy to get ready as I spot Paris Hilton walking down the street. “Go shoot that girl!”

“Who is she?”

“Just shoot asshole,” Angello screams at Andy as he storms out of the truck with his camera towards Paris.

“It’s Paris Hilton.”

“Oh, I know her.”

“That’s great Andy. Now run over there and shoot the shit out of her and don’t drop my fucking camera,” yelling at Andy as he runs over towards Paris with Angello.

I check out Andy as he crosses the busy street on Robertson Blvd to join Angello with the other paps shooting Paris. I notice that he checks out his settings before shooting her, getting in the perfect position to shoot her as they get into a store. Angello tells Andy to change his settings to shoot her inside the store, which he does without any help from me. Andy shoots Paris changing his position each time for a better angle, which it looked like at this point, the short amount of training actually sunk somewhere in his brain because I was really impressed with this young kid, the way he used all the things that I just showed him just moments ago. He changes his settings again being in the correct position as Paris leaves the store getting into her custom Pink Bentley.

Angello and Andy run back to the truck as Angello slaps Andy’s butt, which I could see Andy was really excited afterwards with his big ass smile.

“How did you do?”

“I think I did alright?”

“He was fucking amazing,” Angello tells me quickly editing and uploading to the network.

I point to Angello on his laptop, “listen Andy, in this business, you’re either first or your last. We must send our images out quickly to be the first dogs to dinner table. If you don’t shoot, then you don’t get fed.” Andy understands what I’m saying as I check out his pictures. “There aren’t that bad but you need to calm down a bit and focus on the shoot because some of these aren’t sharp from sharp malaka, but other than that I think Angello and I are really impressed with you kid.”

“You got a really tight butt,” Angello tells Andy without even looking at him working on pictures.

“You want to shoot some more,” I tell Andy but I could already tell that his kid was already hooked because it was the same look I had when I had with my first experience being a paparazzi. I was a brand new vampire thirsty for more blood, which I was going to give to Andy.

“Fuck yeah! But I had a question. What if they don’t want to be shot? Like they put their head down or cover up, do we still keep shooting?”

Angello stops what he is doing staring at Andy as I take of my sunglasses giving Andy my serious look. “You never stop shooting.”

“You never stop shooting asshole!” Angello shouts out before going back to his work.

“We never stop until the job is complete. If they try to hide or cover up, just keep trying out different angles and keep shooting until they give up and show they’re faces. This is the difference between a good pap and a great pap. What are you willing to do to get that money shot.”

“Money shot?”

“Yeah, Andy the Money Shot. This is the main reason why we are all here. It’s not like we give a fuck about these celebrities, I mean some of them are cool but they don’t pay our bills and I certainly don’t give a fuck about photography. I just want the money motherfucker, lots of money motherfucker, which you can potentially make if you learn your job, be a hard worker and are willing to do what other paps won’t do, then you’ll be making huge money in no time.”

Chuck walks back to the truck from the bathroom missing all the action again.

“What did I miss y’all?”

“Jesus, Charlie did you fall in the toilet. You masturbate too long,” Angello jokingly tells Chuck.

“You missed Paris.”

“Ah, I love Paris. My bad guys, I was taking a shit and it was a lot. You ever take a shit and it doesn’t stop coming. It just came out of me like a brown volcano.”

“You’re butthole must be like a black hole mang.”

“You don’t give a shit about Paris.”

“Yeah, you’re right but it would have been funny video talking to her about my shit. Who’s this?”

“This is the new recruit.”

“Hi, my name is Andy.”

“Hi there, name is Charles. Did you shoot Paris as well?”

“Yeah, he did, which I gotta tell you he did a better job on his first time than you did Chuck.”

“Well, it’s because I don’t give a fuck.”

“I already gathered that, thanks buddy,” I tell Chuck as he gets into the truck with Angello.

“Don’t point that asshole at me mang, it’s still dangerous.” Angells tells Charles as both of them start laughing in the back of the truck.

“Well, you ready to kill more celebrities?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, then get into the truck and enjoy the ride.”

Andy gets into the truck with the rest of the animals as I find more celebrities for him to shoot, which he starts to act like a season vet with every set he shoots being more comfortable with himself along with the camera. It’s around dusk before we head into a Halloween shop on Sunset Blvd looking for fun costumes?

“Are we going to a Halloween party?” Andy asks me kinda confused why we were doing here instead of shooting celebrities.

“Well, sometimes when you can’t get the “money shot”, you must be willing to create the “money shot.” I tell Andy as he gives me the confused look. “Listen, people only give you the big time money if there is actually a story behind the pictures we take like Britney going insane or Lindsay crashing her car. People love that shit when something is going crazy with the celebrity, so this is why we are here young padawan.”

“I’m still confused.”

“I found it!” Angello tells me bring the costume towards us.

“This is perfect,” telling Angello as Charles walks over.”

“Fuck no. This shit it too small for my fat ass,” Chuck tells me in anger.

“This is why it’s perfect for you.”

“What?”

“You have to show that fat black ass Charlie,” Angello tells Charles slapping his butt as we head towards the cash register.

“You sure this is going to work?”

“Fuck yeah. It’s going to be hysterical and epic,” telling Charles trying to reassure him that this was a good move as he finally agrees with my plans.

“What are we doing again?” Andy asks me being totally confused on what was going on?

“Don’t worry kid, it’s going to make sense in a sec.”

We purchase the costume and head to the truck driving to our next destination as Angello drives and Charles changes into his costume in the back of the truck.

“You don’t mind sexy black men getting naked in front of you right Andy?” Angello asks Andy as Charles and Angello start laughing.

“This shit is too tight motherfucker.” Charles tells me trying to fit into the costume.

“Just try to not rip it, so I can bring it back you bastard.”

“I still don’t know the plan, bro?” Andy asks me.

“Listen, see these stupid milkshake flyers. Well, we are getting $50 dollars every time the celebrity or any pictures with this flyer is shown. So, this is why we got a costume for Chuck to make it even a bigger story, so we can make more money. You get now?”

“Yeah. If the money shot isn’t there, then you create the money shot.”

“Bingo, young Jedi. We must all embrace the darkside,” I tell Andy as he gives me his big ass schoolboy smile again.

“We’re here assholes,” Angello tells us parking close to the spot, which was Madeo, a very popular eatery on Melrose Ave close to Paparazzi Alley, where celebrities like to eat and paparazzi like to congregate waiting for celebrities. We got a tip from the valet that there were a couple of stars having dinner there, so we get ready in the truck before the shit goes down.

“Listen, Chuck. The only way that this will work, if you get into fucking character. You must believe that you are the super hero inside that tight ass red and blue costume. You must believe that you are saving the celebrities from the evil paparazzi. You must the Black Captain America. You must save everyone and make us lots of money. You ready?”

“Fuck yeah,” Chuck screams at us grabbing his Captain America shield along with the very valuable flyers as we bust out of the truck, charging towards Madeos acting like a bunch of wild animals hungry to get paid, which we could see the paparazzi are shooting a celebrity coming out of restaurant.

It was Susan Lucci, she was a soap opera star but at the moment she was on Dancing with the Stars, but we didn’t give a fuck because she was about meet the Wild Bunch. We storm on the busy street of Melrose already making our presences felt shooting our cameras in the air like a bunch of insane cowboys as the Black Captain America tries to save Miss Lucci from the savages with the cameras.

Charles was first on the scene pushing through the crowd of the photographers getting into the front with his tight blue Captain America costume. At first, Miss Lucci didn’t notice him but it didn’t take long before she saw this huge black man in a Captain America costume in front of here taking pictures of her. Everyone started laughing, including me as I was trying to film the insanity but I was too busy laughing at Charles because he looked so funny in a tight as Captain America costume, which you could see his back fat coming out of his costume because he was so fat. But this didn’t deter Chuck at all because he knew what we all knew that night, which was this was the “money shot.” A crazy ass fan with a funny Halloween costume next to America’s sweetheart, which Angello and I knew that this was going to sell as I could see in the corner of my eye, Angello shooting the shit of Charles and Miss Lucci, laughing his ass of but still getting the job, which to my surprise I see Andy right in the middle of the pack with his big ass smile shooting having a great time.

“Chuck show her the flyer!”

Charles spaces out for a bit, which he sometimes does before shoving the flyer in the face of Miss Lucci as she is a bit surprise and maybe a little bit threatened but it did get the job done as she grabs the flyer standing right next to the black Captain America.

BOOM! The Money Shot.

We keep on shooting until we mercifully let her walk into her car as Chuck gracefully puts a milkshake flyer on her car window as Angello takes the last shot of her with the flyer. Ca-Ching! Mission accomplished I thought still filming the chaos as I could see Angello chasing Charles around trying to put the rest of the flyers down his costume pants as we all started saying,

“The Wild Bunch! The Wild Bunch! The Wild Bunch!”

I turn to Andy with his big ass smile on his face, “So, what do you think? Do you want the job?”

“Are you kidding me? Fuck yeah I do!” Andy excitingly tells me shaking my hand in an agreement.

“Welcome to the Wild Bunch kid.”

Captain America Pluggin Millions of Milkshakes to Susan Lucci

RYAN FU

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We love Bad Relationships by Dane Cook (Relationship Philosophy)

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Forget me Not – Philip Seymour Hoffman (July 23, 1967 – February 2, 2014)

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Philip Seymour Hoffman was an American actor, director, and producer of film and theater. Best known for his distinctive supporting and character roles – typically lowlifes, bullies, and misfits – Hoffman was a regular presence in films from the early 1990s until his death at age 46.

Drawn to theater as a teenager, Hoffman studied acting at New York University‘s Tisch School of the Arts. He began his screen career in a 1991 episode of Law & Order and started to appear in films in 1992. He gained recognition for his supporting work throughout the decade, notably in Boogie Nights (1997), Happiness (1998), The Big Lebowski (1998), Magnolia (1999), and The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999). He began to occasionally play leading roles, and for his portrayal of the author Truman Capote in Capote (2005), won multiple accolades including the Academy Award for Best Actor. Hoffman’s profile continued to grow, and he received three more Oscar nominations for his supporting work as a brutally frank CIA officer in Charlie Wilson’s War (2007), a priest accused of pedophilia in Doubt (2008), and the charismatic leader of a Scientology-type movement in The Master (2012).

Credit: Wikipedia

Top 10 Philip Seymour Hoffman Performances

Inspire Your Heart With Art Day – How do you express yourself with art?

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Inspire Your Heart With Art Day is a day to ponder how art effects your heart. Art is valued and appreciated for all sorts of reasons. 

Of the broad spectrum of art created in the world, the pieces that move us to tears or cause us to burst out in joyous laughter remain with us for a life time. Whether we are touched through music or see into an artist soul through their work, art has the power to change us, to inspire our hearts.

Inspire Your Heart with Art Day encourages us to explore the many genres of art and let it inspire us.

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood Celebrates The Arts

A Priceless tip from George Clooney by Ryan Fu (The Hated Ones)

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“You are a total asshole.”

Eating my Mac and Cheese getting berated by my new ex-girlfriend in front of people at the Cheesecake Factory as she tells me, “You have no idea how to treat a woman, maybe you should take a class or something.”

I finally pay attention to her lifting my head chewing with my mouth open showing how classy I was.

“You’re a fucking jerk and a pothead. I thought you would change and grow up, but you’re always going to be a child,” she yells at me storming out of the restaurant like a little pouty girl, who didn’t get any dessert.

I finished up my dinner alone, wondering if she was right? Maybe I should grow up and act like an adult but is that what she really meant? I’m close to my thirties, in which I still had no idea how women thought because they were a mystery to me. 

Pondering the universe’s problem over Mac and Cheese, I get a call for the “Ladies Man.”

“Hey dickface.”

“What’s up Angello?”

“I got tip for Clooney at a restaurant, if you want to shoot it.”

“Sure. I’m just having dinner by myself.”

“Lisa just dumped your ass didn’t she?”

“Yup.”

“You’re a fucking asshole.”

“I know bro, but what are you going to do?”

“At least, you’re not that piece of chit Andy?”

“Listen, he had to do, what he had to do. He wanted to get more money and go after bigger stories.”

“That little piece of chit is not ready for that, he’s a baby.”

“No man. He’s a grown man. He can choose whatever he wants to do.”

“But we taught him everything. That little back stabber.”

“Sometimes you have let the birdies fly out of the nest.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about mang, but shoot that shit so we can have money for the titty bar, you piece of chit.”

I pay my bill getting my food to go as I head towards the job still thinking about what Lisa said about me because maybe there was a slim chance that she was right. I pull up to Dan Tanas, which was one of Clooney’s favorite hangout spot. I see his car right of front of the valet with a private security guard waiting in the wings. It wasn’t my first time waiting for Clooney, who has always been the nicest dude to us. Standing out there waiting for him, thinking about how awesome it would be just to be George Clooney for a day or two because the guy seems like he’s got his shit together. 

He’s uber rich, not married, no kids and always surrounded by super hot models. What better person to ask about advice on women? Maybe he can solve the universe’s problem and give me the answers I was desperately seeking because apparently I had no idea what I was doing.

The bodyguard gives me the sign that he’s about to leave and to give him space not blocking him as he walks to his car. I prepare myself as he walks out of the restaurant with a hot model linked up in his arms.

I begin taking photos of him as he starts laughing and smiling with his hot dance partner, which he was having a blast playing it up for my camera. I was having so much fun that I didn’t pay attention to a pole that was directly behind me as Mr. Clooney warns me about it, but it was too late as I hit the pole, stumbling to the concrete but I stand up immediately making sure I don’t lose anymore cool points with George.

I stop shooting him as he acts like a gentleman opening the car door for his date as she carefully gets into his car with her beautiful dress. This was my time to ask the questions that were haunting me the whole night.

“Mr. Clooney, how do you do it? How can I be a ladies man like yourself,” telling him with a straight face. 

At first he laughs at the question then responds, “I don’t know pal, I don’t think I’m a ladies man. I don’t got the answers,” telling me as he gets into his car.

I thought what the fuck?

If George Clooney, a guy’s guy, the dude that every man wanted to be, didn’t have the answers to one of life’s greatest mystery, which were women. What hope did I or any other man have in figuring out the opposite sex. Maybe my bitter ex-girlfriend was right, maybe I’ll never figure out females in my lifetime? Then all of the sudden the heavens opened up, showing the bright full Moon giving me the sign. Before he gets into his car, he drops this nugget of wisdom on me,

“Be yourself,” confidently telling me with his trademark George Clooney smile getting into his expensive car with his supermodel girlfriend. 

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A large weight lifted off my chest because I knew that Clooney was right on the money. You gotta be yourself because you shouldn’t be someone you’re not for someone else because it doesn’t help you or the person you’re with. I get into my car watching Mr. Clooney drive off waving goodbye to him, thanking him for the great advice. As I finish my Mac and Cheese alone in my car listening to Bob Marley, happily being myself then I get a call from Angello,

“Yo, bro. Did you hear?”

“No, what happened?”

“Andy died during a chase.”

I pause for a moment as flashes of images of all of us hanging out with Andy in the past comes flooding into my head. I felt really sad inside and it was eerie that we were just talking about him.

“They were on the freeway and they were going really fast. I guess Andy tried to take a picture of the dude’s car and he wasn’t looking and he got hit by another car. He died immediately. Chit is fucked up mang. Sorry for talking chit. Drive home safely bro. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Thanks. You too bro. Drive home safely.”

I hang up the phone with great sadness in my heart because he didn’t deserve to die like that, he was a good kid with a great future in this business but I guess he went out doing the thing he loved the most, which was being a paparazzo. I guess you can’t get all the answers to life’s questions because this shit is still a mystery to me and maybe you’re not supposed to understand all of life’s questions. One moment you’re alive having a good time then all of the sudden your dead. I promised myself that whatever I’m doing in my life whether if it was good or bad, I was going to have a good time because this ride called life is short and I want to go out doing what I love the most, which was being myself and not giving a fuck.

RYAN FU

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The New Barbie Makeover – Mattel releases three new body types: petite, tall, and curvy – What are your thoughts of the new dolls?

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The new Barbie comes in three new body types: petite, tall, and curvy – landing her a spot on the cover of Time Magazine with the headline, “Now can we stop talking about my body?”

The top-secret development of new dolls was dubbed Project Dawn and they even have a customer support line prepared to field calls about original Barbie’s clothes not fitting on curvy Barbie.

Barbie now comes in four different body shapes, seven different skin tones and 18 different hairstyles. Watch out human Barbies, y’all are about to get some serious competition. 

What are your thoughts of the new dolls?

Inside Art – Les Demoiselles D’Avignon – Pablo Picasso (1907) by Joe Andaloro

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This is the painting that changed modern art forever. It was thought of as a bad joke by Picasso’s friends, critics and rivals, including Henri Matisse in which he deemed the work an “insult to the modern movement.”

The piece sat in a dark corner of Picasso’s studio for nearly a decade before it was first exhibited in 1916. It then turned the art world upside down. The painting was deemed crude, repulsive and unfinished but Pablo called it Cubism.

avignon-museum

It marked the beginning of the cubist movement. The scene depicts harlots in a brothel in Barcelona. Pablo frequented a nearby African History museum and was influenced by tribal masks seen mimicked on the faces of the working ladies.

You can check it out @ MOMA  /   Follow Joe on  ig

The Dragon’s Philosophy – School is always in Session

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Chivalry is dead because women killed it by Dave Chappelle (Relationship Philosophy)

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Stacey Dash wants to End Black History Month & the BET Awards – What are your thoughts on her comments?

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Stacey Dash told Fox News, about the ongoing outrage over the lack of minority nominees in major categories, and turned the tables on networks like BET (Black Entertainment Television) for giving awards largely to black recipients.

“I think it’s ludicrous,” the Clueless alum told Steve Doocy. “We have to make up our minds. Either we want to have segregation or integration, and if we don’t want segregation, then we have to get rid of channels like BET and the BET Awards and the Image Awards, where you’re only awarded if you’re black. If it were the other way around, we’d be up in arms. It’s a double standard.”

She took it a step further by saying the U.S. should rid itself of Black History Month, which is celebrated in February. “There shouldn’t be a Black History Month,” she shared. “We’re Americans, period.” Dash became a trending topic on Twitter after the comments went viral. Commenters quickly called out TV personality. 

BET then chimed in via Twitter, linking to a gallery produced by its website titled “Every Time Stacey Dash Proved She Was Clueless.” The network featured some of Dash’s recent controversies, including her comments from Wednesday morning. “She thinks there needs to be a white history month too, since, you know, our ancestors apparently fought for nothing,” BET’s caption read. “Clueless indeed.”

Amid the uproar, Dash again reiterated her points on her blog. “I’ve written about this before, but apparently people are going nuts over what I said on Outnumbered today,” Dash wrote, also bringing up Morgan Freeman’s past comments about Black History Month. (In an old appearance on 60 Minutes,Freeman called the celebration “ridiculous,” saying, “You’re gonna relegate my history to a month?”)