No Woman (or Man), No Cry… (Relationship Philosophy) – A Guy’s Fairy Tale

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Dating For Dummies

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Fifty Shades of Sexting – How to properly turn someone ON by Words or Emoticons

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Do you know how to turn an ordinary text message fifty shades of hot? Are you a sextpert sexting expert? Probably not. But we have your back! Here are 10 tips for becoming the best sexter you can be.

1. Use as many emojis as possible, since small Japanese ideograms of poodles and fax machines are scientifically proven to arouse desire.

2. If someone asks for a photo of your breasts and you’re not interested in sending them one, use keyboard symbols to paint them a picture instead. (o)(o)

3. Cosmopolitan suggests that you not give too much away in your sext and that you keep your wording subtle. Their example: “I just bought something, and I think you’ll drool when you see me in it tonight.” This is great advice. You never want your partner to know if you’re bringing home slinky lingerie to turn her on, or a VHS of The Sound of Music that you plan to reenact until she falls asleep.

4. Keep it short and sweet! This isn’t a novel! Try sending just the word “ovary” or a quick message reading only “pituitary gland.” Your partner will get the idea.

5. Guys might have a hard time understanding female anatomy, so put your sext in words he can understand. Try “I have a gargantuan boner right now” or “you’re making my balls sweat.”

Modern Dating: A Field Guide

6. Victorian men were really into women’s ankles. Keep it spicy and send a sinful snapshot of the whispy hair on your big toe.

7. Another sample line from our friends at Cosmo: “I can’t stop thinking about last night. I’m definitely ready for round two.” This one works because it leaves something up to the imagination. Are you talking about round two of sex? Maybe. Are you talking about round two of watching Mad Men and eating chips? Probably.

8. A recent study revealed that 24 percent of US consumers between the ages of 50 and 75 have sent “intimate” messages through text, email, or photo messaging. Ask your grandparents for help drafting a tantalizing message about genitalia.

9. Keep it realistic! Askmen.com suggests that you “not say anything via sext that you don’t plan to do in real life.” A super steamy message might say something like “Let’s kiss for a while until I remember I left clothes in the washer and I have to get out of bed before they go moldy,” or “I can’t wait to get busy tonight unless you ate Chinese food and you’re feeling gassy.”

10. Ever fantasized about going to town on each other in public? Send your sexts over twitter or instagram! Send thousands of them!

Apply these tips to keep your love life spicy and your phone records incriminating. Get to sexting, you sexy sexter!

Credit: The Gloss

Animals are Better than Humans – All they want is Love… (Warning – Cute Overload)

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No Woman (or Man), No Cry (Relationship Philosophy) – You’re really giving me a hard time…

Married Vs You’re the Worst – Season 1/ Episode 2 (Awkwardness)

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youretheworst

Written By Ryan Fu @fu_beatz

What constitutes a relationship? Is it a piece of legal document that recognizes you and other person are in a business/relationship or is it a unspoken feeling you have towards another human being? At one point do you realize this is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life or just for a couple of weeks? These are the just a couple of questions people who are married or single have to ask themselves every single time they are in a relationship. In this 2nd episodes of Married and You’re the Worst tries to answer these questions about what it means to be in a relationship?

The Men

Married

Russ is feeling the pressure of another thing (new puppy) getting in the way of spending more time with his wife. After realizing the expensive cost of treating his new puppy he asks his newly single friend for money, which he does but he has to hang out with him at his former wife’s engagement party. His friend doesn’t even go to the party taking Russ back to his old house, reminiscing about his old life with his family with some hired hookers. Russ realizes that he and his wife need to take some time away from their own lives and spend quality time just by themselves.

You’re the Worst

Jimmy realizes he might lose whatever he has with Gretchen after his rude remarks about her period, which was pretty funny at the time. But Jimmy feels he needs to get out of his comfort zone taking Gretchen out to a fancy restaurant but that backfires on him when his ex shows up with her new husband, leading Gretchen to ditch Jimmy quickly. Jimmy finally finds her in a creepy alley drinking by herself, finding out from her it was all a misunderstanding, she wasn’t offended by his remarks about her period. Jimmy totally looks like he has no idea what he is doing but it might be a good thing for him because it looked like he was in a rut before Gretchen plus how bad can it possibly get? Oh, right. He might fall in love, if he isn’t already.

The Women

Married

Lina is just exhausted of taking care of everyone in her family including her new puppy. But at least she gets to unwind with Russ’s BFF drinking and dancing with younger men. I feel she needs the vacation more than her husband.

YTW

Gretchen is taken a back that Jimmy wants to spend more time with her especially his remarks about her period because she is not the “relationship type” at all. As we saw in the first episode she tells Jimmy, “that this shit scares her,” which she had to tell Jimmy again this episode but reassures him that everything is cool and she knew what she got herself into with Jimmy. I feel like she’s not ready at all be in a relationship but it’s cool that you can find someone who also feels the same way.

The Sex

Married

Sex-less shower scene. Two hookers kiss. Mad Frustrated.

YTW

Masturbation, which lead to “blue balls.” Def. Mad Frustrated.

Friends

No comparison, the friends on Married are so much cooler than You’re the Worst buds. They do blow and hire hookers out of the blue, Winner Circle.

The Problem

Married

Money, the mortgage, the kids and the rest of the problems that go with a marriage. You’re not in a relationship with one person anymore, so have to worry about other people, which leads to more responsibilities and more stress. Sure, a quick getaway might relieve the problem for a week or two but you still have to deal with it when you come back.

YTW

Just realizing if you’re in a relationship or not is the biggest problem I can tell when you’re a single person. It’s hard to act one way when you don’t know what you mean to the other person. If you both parties agree on what they want this “so-called relationship,” it might be more beneficial to both parties. But simple put it’s not easier when you’re single dealing with relationships.

A great follow up episode from both Married and You’re the Worst, which is leading me to re-evaluate my own thoughts on being in a relationship whether you’re married or single. It just seems like that are no easy quick fixes and if you care about the person you’re with then you are willing to be patient to solve your problems. If not, I think its best just to move on and cause more misery to another person ;)

Fu’s Observations:

  • Russ’s friends are the best! “I had to finger myself because I’m not going to back down from a challenge.” Having hookers exercise in front you while giving them a sad tour of your old house was frickin amazing!
  • Question: Why is the bathroom the place you always have to do drugs in? It can’t be the most sanitary place in the world.
  • Four showerheads sound amazing right now.
  • I totally agree, Cameron was the villain in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off because he was such a Debbie Downer!
  • Ladies, you’re menstrual cycle does not affect our sex drive at all. As Jimmy eloquently put it, “I’ll play though.”
  • The commune dinner was funny. I personally would think it would be cool but I get it you want you’re personal space.
  • I’ve eaten Chinese food with my girlfriend at the movie theaters, which is absolutely the best and the worst for everyone else in the theater but fuck them! Everyone is such a Cameron these days.
  • What happened to the cat?!!!

Check out out Married Vs You’re the Worst Articles:

People are Hell

Case of the Mondays – That’s what Office Equipment is there for…

Animals are better than Humans – They’re cuter when they’re Guilty

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Brain Ninjas – Guess which Celebrity this is in Costume? Happy Comic Con Day 2

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Photo Credit: Ryan Fu

Happy National Tequila Day!!!

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Happy National Batman/ Hotdog Day!!! – July 23rd

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