On the edge of insanity I spent many years wasting away and I cried many tears while my mind and body slipped into decay. I look back now and wonder how I am even alive, what watched over me during those desperate times? Was it an inner will power to survive or a guardian from out of our time?
I was a wasted away ghost of who I had been, a wisp of a woman whose grasp between reality and delusion had grown so very thin. Addiction is never to be taken lightly; and I took that statement to the hilt. I took my addiction to the place where you trade in your soul for just one more dose. I would have even sold your soul had you been in my proximity while you slept or behind your back. I was ashamed, I was lost and I was a monster.
To cope with these facts the monster I was became bigger until it swallowed me whole, until I fell into the beasts arms with an abandon and I thought I had forgone all hope. Everyday I sunk deeper and had to do more drugs to dull the feelings within me; guilt, shame, hatred, fear, and rage. Every now and then through the haze when I let down my guard I heard a voice…Get out , you don’t belong here! Your gonna die if you don’t run away from this! You are not this person!!! I thought what the hell and got higher in a desperate attempt to kill that needling ghost. I was so precariously perched on the edge of no return that I sometimes wished for it to end, for that final push overboard into the abyss of my ever growing addiction.
Suddenly and out of the blue one day through the fog, through the chaos and commotion of what I had let my life become I realized that the choice was mine, NOT MY ADDICTIONS. I had to get out of the pattern of denial and start looking at the root of the problem, start to hold accountable the only person rsponsible for my choices and behaviors…ME. That my friends is the day I began to heal, the very day I took the first step in beating the pattern of addiction, the day I saved my life.
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